His Flippant Words May Come Back to Haunt Him — (or ME!)

Funny - His Flippant Words
So then…I wave the papers in my husband’s direction and say, “The lawyer wants us to answer some questions before we meet with him to fill out the living wills.”

“Uh-huh,” he says distractedly, playing with his phone.

“You know – like who gets to pull the plug.”

“OK,” he says.

“So we need to tell him what our wishes are when we die,” I say.

“Yeah,” he says.

“Like, do you want a full Church Mass or a memorial service? Do you want to be cremated or buried?” I ask.

“Surprise me,” he says.

?????????

OK, so I will surprise him.

I will have him taxidermied.

And he shall be my hat rack.

— Darcy Perdu

(Does it drive you crazy when people only partially listen to you while they play on their Iphones, Ipads, Itoys, etc? Any friends or family who have expressed odd wishes for their eventual Departure to the Great Beyond? Share in the Comments below.)
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18 replies on “His Flippant Words May Come Back to Haunt Him — (or ME!)

  1. Caitlin said:

    You could have him taxidermied and give him to the Bloggess. She doesn’t have a stuffed husband yet.

  2. ha ha…I have to admit…I get that way sometimes during football season. Good one, Darcy.

  3. Keyla said:

    My mother is AWFUL for fiddling on her phone when talking to me. So I decided that instead of getting irritated I’ll just make up stories… like this:

    “When I was out for lunch the other day with Jenna, we went to the restaurant on the top of the south hill, shoot I can’t remember the name of it right now…”

    My mother looks up long enough to mumble “mmm-hmm”

    So I go on, “And the waiter dumped a glass of red wine on her lap!”

    “That’s good,” she says back to me.

    “But it was okay because she was wearing her tight pink leather pants so the wine mostly just brushed off and soaked into the seat. I think I’ll get a pair next time I’m in the city. She said they come in leopard print too…”

    My mother “uh huh”

    “They also come in armadillo fur.”

    “Oh”

    “And baby ferret fur, but those ones are really expensive, probably because they don’t get much fur off of a baby ferret.”

    “Yeah”

    “Plus I hear armadillo fur is all the rage now-a-days. I wonder if I would sweat in them… I bet they sweat like crazy, then what? Then you’re in a baby-powder situation like Ross on Friends…”

    “Yeah, wait – what?”

    Muahaha, I try to make it more elaborate each time she does this.

        • Hayley J said:

          My mum did the same to me when I was younger. I’d go on about how Elvis Presley was really an alien who came down to Earth to give us some good music and get really elaborate in my stories too. One day she just cracked up and said do you even listen to yourself? — and I said: well, do you!!?

  4. Stephanie R Awesome said:

    SO my husband the last few months. I swear the man doesn’t hear me. How do I know? When I inform him a bit of information, about a few minutes later he asks about that bit of info…maybe it’s a husband thing?

    We avoid the death conversation. Which we shouldn’t, with two young ones to consider.

  5. Mark said:

    instead of a hat rack, have him taxidermied standing on his head… and he can be your umbrella holder! (That’ll teach him)

  6. Darcy, because I am not religious, I suggested my family donate my body to a med school. I feel very insulted because my youngest daughter said, “How could they possibly need your body?” I thought my husband was going to stand up for me and he said, “Well they could use her body to look at when things go wrong.”
    Vivian recently posted..I am a shadow of my former selfMy Profile

  7. Hee, hee. In this house, I’m the one who’s usually not paying much attention so I bet my husband has tons of stories to tell. LOL…But I guess I need to pay more attention, because who knows what he’s been planning and what I’ve agreed to?!
    Xae recently posted..Silent SundayMy Profile

  8. Judy said:

    My hubby doesn’t even have technology to blame for his not listening. The worst time was when he made me a toasted bagel with cream cheese. After one bite, I asked him if he used pineapple cream cheese and he said, “MMM hummm…” I only ate about a quarter of the bagel before I discreetly tossed it because I didn’t like the cream cheese. Turns out it was RANCID and I was so, so sick.

    He asked, “Didn’t you notice it tasted funny?”

    I said, “Yes, but when you said it was pineapple cream cheese, I thought that is why it was funny.”

    “Pineapple cream cheese what?!!” he asked.

    Yeah. Jerk. I’m having him taxidermy-ed too. Then using him for target practice. I can’t eat any flavored cream cheeses today.

  9. Or…OR… if you have any carpooling lanes that you need to, well, carpool in AND if you don’t have a handy carpool-buddy to help you out just install insta-bud the taxidermied husband.

    AND tell me the police are going to bother you too much if indeed they do pull you over?

    “Is that a stuffed human?”
    “Yes, is there a law against stuffed humans?”
    “No ma’am.”
    “Is there a law that states that both humans in the car have to be breathing?”
    “Errr….”
    “I mean it’s not like I’m some sicko driving about with a blow up doll in the passenger seat.”
    “I… wait… nevermind, move along.”

  10. You guys are so funny! Sorry, I don’t have a story to compete with you. However, I am fully amused.

  11. Our eldest daughter called the house to tell her father that she and a friend were going to the movies. Unfortunately, he was watching TV at the time. Friend’s mom called to ask what time her daughter was coming home, and my husband said he thought they were over at her house, watching a movie. Much frantic searching, scolding the kids (“Why didn’t you tell me where you were?”) and all that drama.

    To this day, my daughter will ask to talk to me if her dad answers the phone, and it’s been about thirty years since what is known as The Movie Incident.

    As far as wishes for our Departure to the Great Beyond – both of us have donated our bodies to the anatomy board. He has a rare medical condition and he hopes he can help others, and I’m pretty much along for the ride. We’ll have a Memorial Service at church two weeks after our respective deaths to give people time to travel, and then a short burial service when the Board returns the ashes. However, hubby says he wants the Overture of 1812 played – with real cannons! I think he’s going to get bagpipes. (Ssh. Don’t tell him.)
    Lady Anne recently posted..Closing in on it!My Profile

    • That’s awesome! I applaud your donation to the anatomy board to help research. I’m an organ donor so the docs are free to take any body parts that can help someone else — but I drew the line at donating my cadaver to a medical school because I worried that the med students would dress me up with funny hats and make fun of my fat ass. In fact, I worry about that while I’m still alive! Ha!