My Preteen’s Suspicious Behavior with the Laptop…

Why Do You Need the Laptop in THERE?  Funny story about my preteen boy taking the laptop in THERE! #funny #teens #parenting #computer #laptop

So then…the server sets down the second round of drinks. As we toast Girls’ Night Out as carefree ladies for a whole evening, unencumbered by husbands and kids, it’s only natural that the conversation turns to…

our children’s poo patterns.

“My God, it takes Emily forever to poo. She takes a book in there and it seems like hours before she comes out again!” exclaims Patty.

“She’s 8 and she’s bringing a book to the bathroom? She’s like an old man!” says Brenda. “Trevor doesn’t bring anything in the bathroom, but I can hear him talking in there – no phone – nobody else in there — just him talking.” We laugh and encourage her to set up a recording device.

Julie confides, “Well, Conrad is 5 but he still does the same thing he’s done since he was 2. If he has to poo, he strips completely naked and sits on the pot, singing at the top of his lungs! He says it’s the only way he can go number two!”

We all laugh. “Well, let’s hope he out-grows that before adulthood. That could be awkward around the office,” I say.

“What about your kids, Claire?” asks Julie.

“Well, I don’t mean to brag—“

(Don’t you, Claire? Don’t you, really?)

“—but Allie and Max are pretty regular. They’re 12 and 8 and they just go in every morning and evacuate their bowels,” says Claire.

“EVERY morning?!” we exclaim.

“Well, yes, doctors say it should happen daily — and morning evacuation is the best. I feed the kids plenty of fiber, salads, and—“

“Oh, shut up, Claire. We hate you,” says Julie good-naturedly.

“Yeah, Claire, we hate you and your perfect bowel-evacuating children,” says Brenda with a mock scowl.

Claire laughs, and tries to look humble, but secretly she’s beaming inside.

Patty mutters into her sangria, “Good Lord, Emily doesn’t poo every day. I’m not even sure if she poos every week.”

Patty waves her wine glass in my direction. “OK, Darcy, fess up. What’s the evacuation situation at your house?”

“Well, Chloe’s 9 and she’s pretty regular, I guess. But Tucker’s 12 and always takes a long time to poo. But lately, he’s been taking his computer in there and it seems to take even longer.”

Everyone’s eyes widen.

“Oh my God – well, he IS 12. That’s around the age, right?” asks Patty.

“Oh no, do you think he’s…you know?” asks Brenda, somewhat mortified.

“He must be! That’s what the computer’s for – he’s looking at porn!” says Julie.

Claire is speechless.

“Well, that’s exactly what I wanted to know,” I said. “Every time I asked him what’s taking so long or what are you doing on the computer, he was really evasive. So I thought, oh my God, what if he’s in there…looking at sexy pictures and…doing what teenage boys — you know.”

I lower my voice and they lean in a little closer.

“So yesterday after he was in the bathroom forever, he went downstairs. I snuck up there, grabbed his computer and checked the browser history. And there it was – Club Penguin!”

Everyone laughs and looks reassured. All our kids have been to the Club Penguin website to play the computer games there. It’s harmless — but addictive, since the kids want to check on their penguins all the time, so we discourage playing it on school nights.

“Here I thought my little angel was using the computer to find inappropriate websites for arousal and self-pleasuring – and the whole time he’s just been playing Club Penguin! I was so relieved!” I say, taking a sip of my Lemon Drop.

“Unless…” whispers Julie.

“Unless what?”

“Well, unless he’s aroused by…you know…penguins,” says Julie.

I gulp. Julie laughs.

“Oh, I’m just kidding,” she says. “I’m sure he doesn’t have a penguin fetish.”

She grins. “Or does he?”

— Darcy Perdu

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7 replies on “My Preteen’s Suspicious Behavior with the Laptop…

  1. hehehe Oh dear, poor boy.

    This entire family reads on the loo; crosswords work too. Both our extended family do the same, so we always have a stack of comic books in the bathroom. It’s how we roll :o

  2. I just read that story out loud to my husband. We had a good laugh. I’m still running a fever and your stories are still helping! Hope I get a signed copy of your book!

    • Ha! From your lips to the Publishing Gods’ ears! I’d love to put the stories in a book — one day, one day! Meanwhile, hope you recuperate quickly and thanks for the comments!

  3. Weird blog here. Admirable that you ladies are so deeply involved in the lives of your children or bored to the low point of discussing the frequency of your children’s bowel evacuations.

    I read a hell of a lot and it is a rarity to read or hear someone refer to it as a bowel evacuation. Very educational for an old guy.

    Your young Tucker is fine. Penguins mate for life……I think.
    Ben Swilley recently posted..My Funny (Belated) Valentine and Insane Tulips!My Profile

  4. Lynn Morris said:

    This is an interesting story for a few reasons. 1) I find it perfectly normal that girlfriends talk about their children’s poop. 2) My girlfriends and I take it a step further and talk about our husbands pooping habits. There is nothing more invigorating than walking into the office in the morning and promptly starting a conversation about the bizarre behavior of our husband’s pooping habits. One of us has a husband that poops completely in the naked which is funny to all of us because from what we can see he’s a pretty hairy guy. In our minds it’s like a wooly mammoth sitting in there examining himself for wood ticks or an ape in the zoo eating the skin flakes off himself. One of the other husbands talks on the phone and apparently, on occasion, sends SnapChat of himself sitting there. I’m not just talking the picture, I’m talking a full on recording. From time to time, I attempt to get out of the ladies what their pooping habits are. I have no problem letting them know all about my bathroom habits but you can see their eyes starting to glaze over as they quickly busy themselves with other “things” to do to avoid the conversation. Hypocrites.