He Whispers, “I’m Not Supposed to Do This, But…”

He looks left, then right, then pulls me aside to whisper, "I'm really not supposed to do this, but..."  #funny #dont-think-I-wont #humor

So then…Bessie attempts a tumble — stumbles, sputters, gasps, then dies.

I drape my body across my dryer and murmur, “Oh Bessie, why hast thou forsaken me?”

Time of death: halfway through the Towel Cycle, Which Also Includes My Panties, so Now My Dryer is Dead AND I’ve Got Damp Drawers.

Oh, how I loved this dryer – sturdy, dependable, full of hot air…(much like my third boyfriend)…and long-lasting (not at all like my third boyfriend).

In fact, this dryer (named the reliable, trustworthy Bessie) has out-lasted THREE finicky washers, named Natalia, Bianca, and Fiona. Fiona’s been repaired twice in the past 6 months alone, so I know it’s time to…

Gasp…buy a new washer-dryer set!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

Get a hold of yourself, woman! It can’t be that difficult. Just Google that shit.

I type in “best price for washer and dryer” and the internet EXPLODES!

There are 10.1 MILLION results. Ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat!

I’m overwhelmed by the multitude of choices. So I zip to a real-live store to talk to a real-live person.

“Hello, my name is Darren. Can I help you find something today?”

I turn to the nice young man and say mournfully, “Bessie is dead.”

He looks alarmed, like “Oh shit do I know someone named Bessie? Who is this chick? Why is she telling me Bessie’s dead? I sell appliances, not caskets!”

Being a consummate sales professional, Darren keeps these thoughts to himself.

I clarify. “Bessie, my Beloved Dryer, is dead. And Fiona the Washer is not far behind.”

“Ohhh,” says Darren, somewhat relieved that I’m not mourning a human death – and delighted I’m about to make a large purchase in his department.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve shopped for a washer-dryer though, so…” I gesture helplessly to the floor models. “I mean look at these washers – I don’t know if I need ‘Steam Clean, Aqua Jet, Blue LED Lights, or a Diamond Drum!’”

He smiles and asks, “Well, let’s start with the basics. Do you want a Top Load Washer or a Front Load Washer?”

SELF-Load, Darren. I want a SELF-load washer that will load ITSELF.”

He laughs. “Well, they haven’t invented that yet. But come look at these Top Load washers.”

Dryer - Washer See-Through

I peer into the CLEAR top of the washer. “Why is the top SEE-THROUGH?

“So you can see the clothes being washed,” he says enthusiastically.

Um, no. I do not want to know how the sausage is made, thankyouverymuch.

And who wants to watch clothes being washed? That’s just a step above watching paint dry, for God’s sake.

(Although – even as I’m typing this, I’m sure someone’s pitching a reality show based on this very concept right now! Coming this fall, Discovery Channel’s “DIRTY LAUNDRY” airs at 5 pm on Fridays AND 10 am on Saturdays AND 3 pm on Sundays AND…well, you get the point…the frickin’ laundry NEVER ENDS!)

But seriously, nobody wants to see behind the curtain. Not the phone, not the watch, and certainly not the washer.

Dryer - Phone Watch

The oven’s an entirely different matter.

A window to watch my chocolate chip cookies plump to a delicious golden brown? Yes please!

Dryer - Cookies

Apparently none of the washer-dryers here make cookies.

I open the needlessly-clear lid and look inside the washer.

“Hey!” I say, pointing at the empty cylinder. “Where’s the…the…?”

Dryer - No Agitator Angle

“Agitator?” asks Darren.

“Yeah, doesn’t it need that?’”

Dryer - Agitator Large

“No, it doesn’t really help wash the clothes.”  He grins.  “The agitator just ‘agitates’ them.”

OK perhaps that’s a hilarious joke amongst appliance folk, but now this is all I can picture:

Dryer - Captions with Agitator

Also, I’m highly suspicious of a washer without that swirly-thingamabob aka agitator in the middle. Will the clothes REALLY get clean without that pole-blade pushing them around?

(Well, I suppose I could stand there and WATCH the clothes through my handy-dandy SEE-THROUGH top to MAKE SURE they’re really getting clean.)

Aw fuck it. Who am I to tell WhirlpoolMaytagGESamsungKenmore how to do their job?

Yank out the agitator – make the lid see-through – add steam and 78 settings – fine. Whatevs. Can I please just leave here for less than $1500?

Seriously.

“Darren, when did washer dryers get so expensive? I thought they’d be about $400 each – these are all $700 bucks a pop!”

Darren looks right, then left, then motions me to the side of the aisle. He lowers his voice and says, “Look, I’m not supposed to do this, but…”

(OMIGOD! I LOVE when salespeople say that – in fact, I love when ANYONE says that! Because you KNOW that WHATEVER follows “I’m not supposed to do this, but…” is gonna be AWESOME!)

And it is.

He continues, “…we’re having a huge sale starting in 3 days, so if you can wait until then, you can save over $500 on this set right here.”

He guides me to his desk computer, where he opens the sale ad on his employee email.

I look at the set. It’s fancy. And yes I can wait 3 days. I’ll tell everyone in my family to get cozy in their undies cuz they’re gonna wear those puppies for 3 days straight.

“Awesome, Darren! You’re the best. I’ll be back in 3 days. And the store delivers?”

“Oh, yes,” he assures me. “Our team will deliver the washer-dryer to your home, set them up, haul away the old ones, and—”

“—stay to do the laundry?” I ask hopefully.

He laughs. “No, no, they won’t do that.”

“Well, a girl can dream,” I say.

He gives me his card; I thank him profusely; I promise to return in 3 days for the purchase.

When I get home, I practically skip into the living room where David and our teen son Tucker are watching TV.

“How’d the washer dryer hunt go?” asks David.

“I made a friend! His name is Darren! He’s saving me $500 on a washer dryer!” Pause “I have to sleep with him, but still…”

$500? Totally worth it,” says David.

Tucker laughs and returns to his TV show.

He knows that OF COURSE I wouldn’t sleep with a salesman just to save $500.

(But I tell you what, whoever invents that SELF-loading washer, you’ve got a freebie comin’ your way, baby!)

— Darcy Perdu

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(What do you wish YOUR washer-dryer could do? Any “special deals” a nice salesperson gave you? What’s a good name for a reality show about laundry?)

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29 replies on “He Whispers, “I’m Not Supposed to Do This, But…”

  1. Julie said:

    ILOVETHISDARCY! So spot on and so funny! Seriously, why a clear lid? So after a month it looks really bad and you need to add “clean the inside of the washer lid” to the list of things you don’t want to do? My washer and dryer is in my kitchen, so yeah, it is right out there in the open for all to see. (that is if I don’t have a pile of stuff on top) There really isn’t a middle thing anymore? Really? You couldn’t even find one?? WTF?

    Name for the show? Dirty Laundry? Time to Agitate?

    • Ha! Exactly! I think the clear lid is so you can watch with fascination and horror as the pink shirt spreads its ink all over the tighty whities!

  2. If that self loader also pretreats spots with Spray & Wash, put me down for one!!

    • Hell yeah!
      Actually I’d like to be able to put dirty dishes back in the kitchen cabinets and turn the knob so that the dishes are washed and dried right in the cabinet. I’ll invent something similar for dirty laundry and let you know as soon as it’s ready!

  3. Jennifer Strauski said:

    This reminds me of a time…..

    My son was 2 years old and I went into an appliance store to buy a new fridge and stove set. The nice young man showing me the 3 different types of stainless steel fridges you can get. I say “how hard are the finger prints to get off?” He says “fingerprints? I can’t imagine you having that many fingerprints on your fridge that it would be a concern when you are picking one out to purchase!” I say “oh really?” I motion for my two year old son, Dorian to pretend he is going into the fridge to get a juice box. He says “ok mommy!” As he approaches the fridge he drags his hands across the front, grabs the handle with one hand and has his other hand on the side/front of the fridge (wherever he can grasp) and pulls the door open. TA-DA!!!! FINGERPRINTS!! All over the front and side, from ONE juice box. I look at the salesman who is standing there dumb struck not knowing what to say and I say to him “Clearly….you have no children in your house.”

    • Ha! That’s hilarious! The appliance manufacturers need you and your son on their product research teams before they even design the products!

      • Jennifer Strauski said:

        That would work! lol

  4. Amanda said:

    $500? Totally worth it. HAAAAA! Great read today :)

    • Thanks, Amanda! And yes, he’d pimp me out for $500 bucks for sure! Ha!

  5. Up until recently, I was a TV Critic. Which is why I still sob softly every time someone makes a joke about some outrageous new reality show. Because I know some idiot out there is probably actually doing it. That being said, I’d love it if I could get someone to do my laundry – as long as it was done *my* way.
    Anne Louise Bannon recently posted..Checking Out a Wine PanelMy Profile

    • TV critic? I bet you have some great stories! AWESOME shows that never made it — and ABSURD shows that made the air! Yowza!

  6. Wow. I DREAM of the day I can pick out my own appliances and not live with the crap that always comes with my house. They don’t have agitators anymore? Who knew? That part of your story cracked me up, by the way! And I’m with you on the self-loading model! P.S. I had that phone!!!

    • Did you really have that see-through phone? That’s so funny!
      And yes, I am VERY suspicious about the missing agitator-doohickeys! Ha!

    • Thanks, Cassandra! Very excited about the delivery of the new appliances this Tuesday! Looking in Baby Name Books right now!

  7. This was hilarious, Darcy. And well timed. I have a fancy HE washer dryer whatever but it shuts off anytime there’s a power surge. So I just dumped liquid detergent on my dirties and the thing’s mute until I go in my backyard and flip the breaker. That could take days.

    • You have to walk in the backyard to flip the breaker? What a hassle! You might as well pound your clothes against rocks in the river!
      We need a remote control that can turn on the appliances — AND move the clothese from washer to dryer to dresser while we sit on the couch eating Ben & Jerrys and binge-watching NetFlix! Someone invent that!

  8. I’m still waiting for the washer/dryer combo where you only load your clothes into one machine and after the clothes are washed, it will automatically begin drying them. Why hasn’t this been invested yet!?
    PS – Only attractive people get the “I’m not supposed to do this, but…” you know. So kudos to your looks, hot stuff.

    • That IS a brilliant idea — why HAVEN’T they invented that yet! Get working on it!
      And thanks for the compliment! I get those kind of offers due to my stunning good looks — AND my sparkling wit…
      Ha!

      • Inga Lily said:

        Actually, that has been invented! I live in Tokyo and that is the most common washer-dryer set, i.e. it’s only one machine which starts to dry once it’s done washing your clothes.

        • WHAT??!!
          I’m moving to Tokyo RIGHT NOW!
          I love America and my family and all — but damn! A washer that ALSO dries? I’m headed to Japan!

  9. Arionis said:

    You had me LOL’ing! Especially at the agitator comments. You know, Darcy, it sounds like a guy could just show up at your place with a bottle of wine, a bottle of Tide, some dryer sheets, and offer to do your laundry and he might have a good chance of getting a lil’ sumpim’ sumpim’. :)

    • Oh HELL yes! That guy would DEFINITELY get a lil’ sumpin’ sumpin’! HA!!

  10. Funny story Darcy! But really? Are you sure you don’t want to watch your washing machine do it’s thing? When I finally got an AUTOMATIC dishwasher I used to turn it on just before going to bed. Kinky huh? Sven wishes. But no. I just liked to lay there and listen to someone else do the dishes. If I ever get a see through washing machine, I will definitely be watching that. Probably even make some popcorn.

    • Ha! Love how you love to listen to “someone else” do the dishes!
      And watching my washing machine might actually be better than some of the shows on TV these days!

    • Right? For that kind of machine, it’d be totally worth it! Ha!