Funniest Way to Get Out of a Ticket

So then…I wince and mutter some expletives, as the sirens wail and the lights flash.

I pull over. Busted for speeding.

Dammit, I’m going to be late for work at the airport.

Yes, I work at the airport – as a security guard.

A skinny, curly-haired 19-year-old girl as a security guard?

Yep, that’s me. (I keep telling them I’d appear more menacing if they let me pack heat – but so far, no go.)

It’s a pretty decent job for a college kid home for the summer — but I don’t make enough coin to cover a hefty speeding ticket.

I rustle around in the glove compartment for the registration. The cop car is parked behind me, no doubt running my plates.

I’m squeaky clean, otherwise I wouldn’t have passed the background check at Burke Security, the firm that provides security guards for our little Louisiana airport.

How little? We have two gates. Only one has an xray machine.

So that means those of us at the non-xray gate have to check the passengers’ carry-on bags BY HAND.

While the passengers are standing there.

Watching us.

This can make for some very uncomfortable moments.

We’re rifling through their personal items, unmentionables, and wish-I-hadn’t-seen-its.

And they’re standing there witnessing this invasion of privacy.

Many times I’ve wanted to cock my head, raise a brow, point to the carry-on and say, “Really? Really?”

The Slim Fast Bar surrounded by a dozen Snickers and Butterfingers.

The business reports interspersed with girlie magazines.

The week’s worth of laundry so filthy, it’s practically writhing.

And don’t get me started on the questionable wardrobe choices. “Oh, honey, you cannot pull off this peach pantsuit.”

In our searches, we haven’t encountered much in the way of weaponry.

But I’m not sure if that’s because our 2-gate airport isn’t much of a terrorist hub – or if it’s because we guards lack the enthusiasm to thoroughly search people’s possessions BY HAND.

If the incendiary devices aren’t in plain view on the top layer of the bag, it’s likely they’re going right through to the plane.

If I so much as SEE someone’s tighty-whities, they’ve got a free pass!

I.am.not.touching.your.underwear.

So far this summer, the only things we’ve confiscated from passengers are several bags of weed — and in one case, a harpoon.

Interestingly, there was no other scuba or fishing equipment in the bag. Just normal stuff and a big-ass harpoon. Our seizure of the instrument was met with some objection.

Harpoon Guy: “You don’t understand. (twitchy, with wild eyes) I NEED this harpoon.”

Oh, no, Harpoon Guy – I think we understand perfectly.

The car door slams behind me. The cop is making his way over to my car.

Maybe he’ll let me go when he understands how critical I am to the safety and well-being of America’s aviation industry. I’m saving pilots from surprise harpoon attacks!

I glance in the side view mirror to assess my challenger.

He looks like a good ole boy. A strict no-nonsense Southern cop.

CopStunnedbyMyResponseNoBackground 350

What ploy will work best to weasel out of this ticket?

Shall I feign innocence?

Flirt a bit?

Weep uncontrollably?

Hmmm. I hop out of the car, to best display my navy blue dacron-polyester Burke Security uniform with the light blue piping.

The cop says sternly, “You know you were speeding, right?”

I say, “Yes, but surely you wouldn’t give a ticket to a fellow officer.”

Silence.

He squints at my uniform with the sewn-on “badge” showing the Burke Security logo.

And then he laughs.

A but-gusting, holy-hell-this-is-HILARIOUS laugh.

And he cannot STOP laughing. He is practically CHOKING, he is laughing so hard.

“Fellow officer?” he sputters.

“Yes, I mean – as a professional courtesy between law enforcers – ” I say seriously, spreading my hands.

He busts up laughing again.

The sight of this scrawny little girl in a cheap rent-a-cop security uniform trying to procure professional privilege SLAYS him.

Between guffaws, he says, “OK, OK, you got me. I can’t ticket you. Off you go. And slow it down, Officer.” He shakes his head, still chuckling, on his way back to his car.

Hot damn and hallelujah!

I vow to keep a spare uniform in my car for any future cop encounters.

— Darcy Perdu

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P.S. No passengers were harmed in the making of my summer job. We weren’t the most diligent baggage searchers, but none of our flights encountered any difficulty. It was many years ago, before people got all crazy, trying to hide combustibles in their shoes & lotions & potions. If I were a security guard now, I’d strip search everybody. But I’d only work at private jet airports frequented by Ryan Gosling and Thunder from Down Under Dancers.

Funniest Way to Get Out of a Ticket - Burke Security with Darcy Face

Yeah, boy – rockin’ my bell bottom security pants!

(Any inventive ways YOU’VE escaped a ticket? Or funny cop encounters? How about an odd summer job or interesting job from your youth?)

Funniest Way to Get Out of a Ticket #cop #speeding #police #car #funny #airplane  #pilot

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52 replies on “Funniest Way to Get Out of a Ticket

  1. I seem to have some sort of magic aura. In the past three years I have been stopped three times (once for speeding, twice for running a red – one of those was totally orange, and once for an expired inspection sticker). Warnings every single time. Haven’t actually gotten ticketed in 20 years.
    Cassandra recently posted..Throwdown Thursday: Battle of the Network Smartphone AddictionsMy Profile

    • Holy Cow, Cassandra — are you driving around nude? How in the world are you getting out of all those tickets?
      And PS, slow down, woman! :o)

    • Liv, I love you for saying your police husband is “similarly on the other side of the blue line” as me! Honestly, people just don’t give me enough credit for my law enforcement past. It may have only been one summer as an airport security guard, but I have war stories, people! :o)

    • Right, Kelly? You know I presented it completely sincerely — with that facial expression like “Dude, come on — we’re Brothers in Blue, here” Ha!

  2. I just choked on my cantelope: ) How do you plan to get out of unintentional manslaugher, or womanslaughter in this case?

    • Bwahaha! Millie, you just made my day! You’re hilarious!
      Contacting my attorney now to prep a defense!

  3. Loved the saving pilots from surprise harpoon attacks!! And Slimfast bar amongst the caloric collection! I once got out of a ticket because the scene in a screenplay I was working on involved just that–a cop pulling over an uncooperative speedster. I started asking him questions and writing down his answers in such an urgent “this is god’s gift to dialogue” way that his ego got to him. Maybe he thought he would be mentioned at the Oscars… ha.
    Stephanie Lewis recently posted..Would You Date Casper the Ghost?My Profile

    • Stephanie, you are BRILLIANT!!! I’m going to start doing that from now on! “Oh thank goodness you stopped me! I’m desperate to speak to a police officer for a role I’m playing in an upcoming movie! Tell me about ticketing — what’s your motivation?” HA! LOVE this idea!

  4. Judy P said:

    I went around a long curve under an overpass, slowed down and stopped at a red light behind the car in front of me when a cop car with lights flashing pulled me over. He said I was following the car in front too close. I denied it. I said I didn’t have to slam on the brakes and I stopped at the red light and didn’t hit him and that right there meant I wasn’t following too close. He said he meant before that. I looked up the road that to where the “before that” would have been. You couldn’t see the road because of the curve and giant cement overpass ramp. I looked at him and innocently asked, “You can see through that?” I didn’t get a ticket but I did get a very grumpy sigh out of him. Sorry dude, meet your quota elsewhere.

    • You go, Judy! Sounds like you’d make a great defense attorney. “So, Officer Shaw, if that’s your real name…”

  5. I love it, OFFICER. :) Nope. I have gotten two speeding tickets and I went to COMEDY traffic school. I couldn’t think of a way to get out of either of them.
    Lisa R. Petty recently posted..Prettier than John StamosMy Profile

    • Ha! I went to COMEDY traffic school one time too! Pretty funny, but still way too long!

    • Maybe try this one that I heard a comedian suggest. Say to the cop: “Officer, sorry I’m speeding, but I’m transporting the President of the United States!” Then turn around to your empty back seat and say: “OMIGOD!! Someone’s kidnapped the President!” That joke kills me every time!

      • Julie said:

        HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

  6. I’m sure you’d get out of future tickets if they saw you changing into the uniform.

    The only time I got a warning was when I was driving my elderly aunt home and she told me to make an illegal left into her neighborhood. I don’t know why the cop let us go that time.

    Thanks for the story!
    acparent recently posted..Head on Over to Foxy Wine PocketMy Profile

    • Good point! Note to self: “Immediately begin changing clothes when pulled over by cop. Offer no explanation for wardrobe change. Arrange casual nip slip.”

  7. Lee A Lewis said:

    It is amazing what saying something with a straight face will get you. Many years ago when I was still a teen I rounded a curve in the road doing 35 (speed limit before the curve) and continued at my speed knowing full well that the limit dropped to 20 after the curve. When pulled over the officer asked me if I knew the speed limit. I said – “Of course it is 35 which is what I was doing.” He quickly said – “no it changed to 20” and pointed to the speed sign. I then said I was sorry that I did not see it as I was paying attention to the road (it was a 90 degree curve in the road after all) and not looking at the sign. He sent me on my way.

    • Also handy to stash one in the bedroom. Just sayin’.

      • AinOakPark said:

        That’s what Justin Bieber said.

        • LOL! Hilarious call-back to yesterday’s post! Thanks for the laugh!

  8. That’s great! I’ve gotten out of a ticket before, but I think it was just the force of my amazing personality that did it. Or maybe my low-cut shirt. One or the other. ;)
    Tracie recently posted..The Best Wake Up Call EverMy Profile

    • Ha! Next time, say that you have “blood specimens in a cooler that you needed to DRINK within a certain time.” Always play the Vampire Card — it works!

    • Thanks, Helena! Actually YOUR FB post asking about interesting past jobs is what reminded me of my airport security days — so thanks for the inspiration to blog about it! As for the po-po, if you have any future trouble with them, just mention my name. I’m sure that’ll get you out of hot water in a jiffy! (cough cough)

  9. When I was very pregnant (I mean, it was entirely possible I was going to give birth in my car that day), I got pulled over for speeding. I leaned out my window and yelled, “I’m nine months pregnant and I have to pee. My house is right there. Follow me!” And I took off. He certainly did follow me around the corner and pulled into my driveway…

    I waddled in the house to pee, completely ignoring him and when I came out, smiled. He was bent over the hood of his car laughing so hard tears were rolling down his face.

    No tickets for pregnant women. :D
    Laura A. Lord recently posted..Thigh Gaps Are a Thing of the PastMy Profile

    • Oh my God, I love this! You are brilliant, woman! I LOVE that you announced your bathroom business and invited a guest! And I LOVE that he was dying laughing at your predicament! That’s hysterical!

  10. Britta said:

    I grew up in Germany and moved to the States when I was 18. Married a guy that was stationed at my home town, and got my driver’s license about a year after coming here.

    I was terrified of cops, made sure I always drove the speed limit, because well…I’ve seen movies and knew what could happen. I thought. So me and my kiddos (they were still young way back then) driving down a pretty bad street in Ft. Worth and had to stop at a railroad crossing. A cop car is behind me and I’m already getting nervous. I keep checking to make sure my kids are sitting nicely in the back seat, their seat belts are on, my seat belt is on. Car is tagged, I have insurance, I wasn’t speeding, but just seeing that cop car in my rear view mirror made my heart beat faster. The gate goes up, I start driving and the cop turns his sirens on. At this point I lost it…I step on my brakes, come to an immediate stop (to make sure the cop knows I’m not trying to make a run for it, for whatever reason) I sit there a few seconds and he gets on his loud speaker saying “ma’am please move a little forward, I’m sitting on the rail road tracks.” I’m completely embarrassed, drive forward a little…he gets on the speaker again “A LITTLE MORE.” I finally pulled into the next driveway. He comes up to my door asking for my registration and insurance, I made sure to tell him that I would have to “reach into my glove compartment” (in case he thinks I’m going for a gun or something) Hand him my papers and he finally tells me that my tag came back as being expired. I said…uhm..the stickers are on it, I registered it like 6 months ago. I didn’t get a ticket, he told me to make sure to check why it wasn’t showing up right for him. Somehow when he ran my tag it didn’t show that I registered it, ended up being a computer glitch in the tag place and my registration never went in. To this day I’m terrified when I get pulled over….stupid cop movies. lol

    • That’s so funny! You’re all stressed out the cop is after you — and he’s like, “Um, ma’am, can ya please pull up before I get FLATTENED by a train!” Ha!

  11. Hysterical!! Good read and good laugh this morning! When I was dating my husband many many years ago, he got pulled over late at night for speeding. He told the cop that he worked for IBM (he did) and the servers were down and they were losing millions of dollars a minute unless he could get there to fix them. Believe it or not, it worked!
    Maureen recently posted..Calgon, Take Me AwayMy Profile

    • Bwahaha! I was hoping you’d see this post, Don, since you’re the only cop blogger I know! And yes, I DO believe you’d give me a ticket anyway! — but theeeeeeen if you ever came to my airport, I’d have the ENTIRE security team strip search you — AND videotape it — AND post it to YouTube! :o)

  12. Pingback: Funniest Way to Get Out of a Ticket » Aviation Blog

  13. I once had to go into the courthouse to pay a speeding ticket for my then 68 year old mother. The ladies at the counter laughed so hard she wouldn’t even take my money. She said over the years there had been a billion parents come through those doors to pay for tickets for their kids. I was the first one apparently bailing my mother by paying her ticket, and apparently that entitled me to a freebie! Go mom!
    Rena McDaniel-The Diary of an Alzheimer’s Caregiver recently posted..AN ALZHEIMER’S CAREGIVER DAY FROM HELLMy Profile

    • Ha! “Go, mom” is right! What a great reason to get out of paying the ticket!

  14. angibird said:

    Not me, but when I was in the Admin of Justice program at college, my teacher told this story. “I (my teacher) was having a really crappy day. It was drizzling, cold, and my heater wasn’t working. So, when some kid in a sports car zoomed past me at twice the speed limit, I was looking forward to busting his ass. I skidded out behind him and pulled him over. As he rolled down his window I said, “Boy, I’ve been waiting ALL DAY for you.” Without missing a tick, he looked me in the eye and said, “Sorry, Officer, I got here as fast as I could.” I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t even give him a stern look and a warning.”

    • Bwahaha! That is hilarious! What a quick thinker!

  15. I’m not sure what is funnier – “harpoon guy” or how you got out of the speeding ticket. My own little personal way to sail through airport security – sprinkle the bag with tampons. No one is going to rifle through a suitcase filled with feminine hygiene products.
    Kimba recently posted..Away, Not GoneMy Profile

    • Oh, VERY clever! I would definitely have cleared you for take-off at my gate! I’d have taken one look at all those tampons, given you a kindly smile and a chocolate bar, then motioned you right through to the plane, baby!

  16. geo said:

    That is too funny! My own get out of ticket free story is (honestly) completely unintentional. Let me preface it by saying that the term “Space Cadet” has been said about me once or twice. The officer who pulled me over came up to the window and said “Did you know that your license is expired?” My immediate thought was how could he know that? My driver’s license was in my purse on the seat next to me! So I asked, “How did you know that?” And he replied “There’s a sticker right on it that gives the date.” So then I said, “But that can’t be right! My birthday isn’t for months and months…that’s when I get it renewed.” He looked at me oddly, then said, “No…your license plate is expired…your car registration is out of date.” Ohhhhhhh. Yes, that does make sense. So I said, “I didn’t realize it. When did it expire?” to which he replied “At the end of May.” I gave a charming little chuckle and said, “Gosh, is it June already?” Once again, the odd look, and he said, “No, ma’am, it’s the middle of July.” To this day, I’ll never know why I didn’t end up on a 72 hour psych hold at the local hospital.