Family Dinner Fiasco: Comedy AND Tragedy in 3 Short Funny Acts

So then…I’m literally so excited about this lasagna I’m making, I text a photo to show the family how amazing dinner’s going to be!

Just as I slide my HOMEMADE lasagna out, it shatters in a million pieces and triggers a family fiasco! #funny #dinner #lasagna #humor

LOOK! Warm and delicious homemade food! Yahoo!

Everyone has a generous helping and agrees it’s scrumptious — and I’m even more excited that we’ll have leftovers for the next night! Double Yahoo! No cooking! Just heating up! I’m a fabulous heater-upper!

So the next night, I’m in my home office when my daughter Chloe, age 15, texts me from the dining room to ask, “Will you please rub my back while I’m doing homework?”

Now before you accuse me of potentially spoiling my daughter, I can assure you, she’s ALREADY spoiled! That train left the station a long time ago, my friends. As I’ve mentioned, I’d be a much better mother if I had 6 kids like my pal, but I only have 2, so I spoil them 3 times as much.

Besides, Chloe may be a bit spoiled, but she’s also pretty awesome, loving, funny, smart, and helpful.

And she handles her academic career completely on her own – and makes A’s – so if you give me a choice between actually helping her DO the Chemistry homework vs. just rubbing her back a few minutes while SHE does the Chemistry homework – I think you can guess what this mama’d rather do.

So I text “Sure,” then walk through the kitchen, figuring I’ll take the luscious lasagna out of the fridge on my way to the dining room.

But just as I pull the tray out, it pings the side of the fridge, DROPS

and SHATTERS INTO A MILLION PIECES –

ONTO MY BELOVED WOOD FLOOR!

Just as I slide my HOMEMADE lasagna out, it shatters in a million pieces and triggers a family fiasco! #funny #dinner #lasagna #humor

I’m devastated!

I don’t know what’s more distressing:

The loss of our delicious home-cooked meal –
The loss of my favorite glass serving dish –
The marks on my cherished wood floor –
Or
The fact I now have to SWEEP.

I glance desperately at the lasagna on the ground. 5 second rule? Can I just scoop it up quickly? “Hey, family, just eat around the glass shards!”

I huff and puff, stomping off to retrieve the broom and dustpan – colorful profanities spewing in my wake.

Just as I round the corner back into the kitchen — I hear a click, a giggle, and the tiny pitter-patter of footsteps fleeing the scene.

“CHLOE! Did you just take a PICTURE of my floor lasagna!?!?!”

From the other room: *Giggle* “No, Mom, what’re you talking about?”

“CHLOE! Are you texting and Tweeting and Instagramming this!?!”

From the other room: *Snort Giggle* “No! Of course not!”

“OMIGOD, CHLOE, THIS IS NOT FUNNY!”

From the other room: *Muffled laughter* “I know, I know. Do you need any *laugh* help?”

“NO! Just stay there. You’ll just cut up your feet and then I’ll have to take you to the hospital!” I say, in my Angry Martyr voice. Far better for me to clean this up myself — and make everyone else feel guilty about it.

Of course, I DO see the humor in it, so naturally, I snap a pic and post it on Facebook to generate some sympathy. Several people post compassionate words and similar mishaps — and my cyber-buddy Don Re posts, “The lasagna looks a bit dry anyway. Is that helpful?” And perversely enough, that DOES make me feel better.

But now I have nothing to serve for dinner and I want someone to deliver some GOTT-DAMN homemade lasagna to my front door!

Just then I get a text from Chloe saying, “Um…about that back rub…?”

I text back, “Too soon! Give me a minute to mourn, for God’s sake!”

So she texts me this:

Just as I slide my HOMEMADE lasagna out, it shatters in a million pieces and triggers a family fiasco! #funny #dinner #card #humor

What a wise ass.

I head to the kitchen and holler, “I don’t have time for backrubs! Now I have to MAKE DINNER!”

We don’t have much in the way of ingredients, so I whip this together:

Just as I slide my HOMEMADE lasagna out, it shatters in a million pieces and triggers a family fiasco! #funny #dinner #Elvis #humor

Inspired Brilliance – or a Cry for Help?

(I actually ate this the other day and IT.WAS.DEEE-LICIOUS.)

I’m definitely making these for my Dinner with Elvis in the After Life. I’ll be like, “Look, El, peanut butter and banana sandwiches are so 1969. The kids today are rockin’ it with Candy Corn.” I know he’ll dig it.

Meanwhile, the mere mortals down here are none too impressed.

So I stuff some ham and cheese in those little crescent rolls and call it a day.

Just as I slide my HOMEMADE lasagna out, it shatters in a million pieces and triggers a family fiasco! #funny #dinner #rolls #humor

As for Mama — this is MY dinner:

Just as I slide my HOMEMADE lasagna out, it shatters in a million pieces and triggers a family fiasco! #funny #dinner #icecream #humor

And well-deserved, if I do say so myself.

— Darcy Perdu
(She of many skills, but much maligned for her comical cooking incompetence.)

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(Any kitchen mishaps to make me feel better about mine? What else pairs nicely with peanut butter? What dishes will you cook with YOUR fave celebs & historical figures in the After Life?)

Just as I slide my HOMEMADE lasagna out, it shatters in a million pieces and triggers a family fiasco! #funny #dinner #comedy #tragedy #humor

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67 replies on “Family Dinner Fiasco: Comedy AND Tragedy in 3 Short Funny Acts

  1. Ugh. I’m so sorry for your devastating dinner incident! I think I would have curled in a ball and cried. I’ve done something similar with pizza, where the whole thing flipped a couple of times and skidded, cheese side down, across the kitchen floor.
    Gina recently posted..When We Left the NICUMy Profile

    • Ahhhhggg! Cheese side DOWN? I’m shuddering at the very THOUGHT of that!

    • Oucheeewawa! That would’ve been grounds for pulling out the whiskey!

  2. Paul said:

    Awwww, don’t you hate it when that happens? I only give myself one mistake and then I give up and order out. It kind of softens the blow and I use the mistake to justfy feeling good about store-bought lasagna or pizza or whatever. Some days I just hope to drop the leftovers. But no such luck.

    By the way Darcy, I see you found an inventive solution to an old problem you mentioned once. In a past post you said that the oreo cookie bag made so much noise that it was impossble for you to sneak an oreo. Brilliant solution – Oreo flavored ice cream!

    • Ha! Good memory, Paul! I’m always looking for more efficient Oreo-delivery-systems!

  3. I am sorry for your loss. It’s such a sad moment when the meal you’re looking forward to spending your dinner with is tragically lost.

    Peanut butter and candy corn go together quite wonderfully. As for other PB combinations, my hubby has concocted the most disgusting meal. He makes a PB and Banana sandwich on toast, with a fried egg and cheese… I can’t even be near him when he eats it. Gag!

    • Your husband is either a culinary genius — or in need of immediate psychiatric help!
      :)

  4. Julie said:

    HAHA! Oh my gawd. We are not eating tonight. Unless it is Breyers. Although your ham and cheese crescent rolls look good too. Your lasagna looks deeeelightful!! Oh. It is almost lunchtime, and I am hungry today!

  5. Alex said:

    I outsource cooking to my husband – perfect solution. And the best thing with peanut butter is choc chips, duh! ;-)

    • Oh man! You’re RIGHT! I need to make a peanut butter and chocolate chip sandwich right now!!

  6. Judy P said:

    Yeah, unfortunately glass shards negate the 5-second rule. I hate dinner disasters because them you are expected to magically whip out something else instead. At least the cats always offer to help with cleanup.

    • Exactly! Who can magically whip something up so quickly?
      Plan B at my house is usually Domino’s Pizza! (Aw hell, sometimes it’s even Plan A!)

  7. Tais said:

    Love the rolls. And the ice cream!!! Oh gosh, making me more hungry than I already was. Dinner today is going to be mac’n’cheese ’cause see if I want to do anything else before going to college. HA!

    • You know what goes great with mac’n’cheese? Ice creeeeeeeeeam! :o)

  8. oh that is FUNNY! And I am respectfully sorry for your loss. It’s hard to believe that I’m alive to tell you this. You see once I stuck a thermometer into the bowl of hot mashed potatoes that my mom had just set on the table. After a few choice words, she actually tried fishing out all the mercury beads and serving them. And that’s because she had 6 kids.

    • Omigod, Millie! Thank goodness we didn’t lose you in the Great Mercury Poisoning of your childhood!
      And I totally relate to your Mama trying to salvage that bowl of mashed potatoes, what with all those kids to feed! I honestly surveyed my Floor Lasagna VERY carefully just to see if maybe-perhaps-if-I-just-try-to-cut-around-the-glass-shards-then-maybe-possibly-aw-dammit! Ain’t gonna work!
      Any by the way, what gave you the bright idea to stick a THERMOMETER into the mashed potatoes, ya knucklehead?

      • There wasn’t a lot of thought involved. Just sitting there, thermometer in hand, potatoes steaming in bowl. Who wouldn’t want to know what their temperature was? That is the real question, if you ask me.
        Millie Noe recently posted..Office Safety 101My Profile

        • You make me laugh out loud!
          It reminds me of the time I was a very little kid sitting in my Grammy’s house next to her knitting basket. I took her scissors, folded my shirt over and cut a little slice out of it. My first lesson in geometry — when I flattened the shirt back out, the little slit was a GIANT HOLE — in the middle of my shirt! To this day, my mother still shakes her head about what in the world possessed me to do that! (Like you said — “there wasn’t a lot of thought involved.” Ha!)

  9. Reason number 492 not to eat leftovers. They may shatter, ruining your dish and your floor. And then you have to figure out a dinner plan. Just, sayin’.
    Cassandra recently posted..Thanksgivings I Have KnownMy Profile

    • Ha! I like the way you think, woman! Now banning all leftovers at my house!

  10. Love the daughterly sarcasm! Smartass. Haha. Sorry about the lasagna but I kind of want to eat that crescent roll concoction. If there’s no name it should be Cordon Blue-Collar Rolls.
    Liz recently posted..Zoe vs. 30 Days of GratitudeMy Profile

    • Arionis said:

      Good name for the crescent rolls Liz. Reminds me of a local pub here that serves Cordon Bleu Balls. One of my favorites, even if I am a bit embarrassed to order them.

  11. LOL. You’re daughter’s sympathy card is HILARIOUS! She’s a chip off the ol’ block, I see! And it didn’t permanently mar your spectacular cherry floors, did it? And seriously … you did NOT serve p.b & c.c. sandwiches and post it on your blog! Social services is going to come take you away!
    Parri Sontag (Her Royal Thighness) recently posted..My Blog is Finally Redesigned!My Profile

    • I seriously made p.b. & c.c. and tried to serve it and was laughed back into the kitchen. Those ungrateful bastards!
      Come and get me, Social Services! Lock me up so I can get a cot and 3 square meals a day — made by someone else!

    • Right? My daughter’s the same way with those tempting li’l crescent rolls! I actually just bought some mini-containers that hold only 4 in the hopes we won’t devour all 8 for a snack!

        • You Brits don’t know the warm deliciousness of crescent rolls? The refrigerated raw dough comes in a little can, so you pop it open, roll up the dough into crescent shapes, then bake them about 10 minutes and voila’ — the illusion of fresh-baked bread! They’re quite warm and lovely and buttery and you try to eat just one…and then you eat the whole can! :o) http://www.pillsbury.com/products/crescents/original

  12. Oh man that’s hilariously awful! Great comeback though. I made a cheese cake once from scratch and did the same thing. Hubby and I may have had a nibble or 2 around the broken glass but that’s not been confirmed!

    • Rena! Shame on you! Although, it was homemade cheesecake, so I probably would’ve nibbled too! :o)

  13. Lizzy said:

    I think the most distressing would be the sweeping. Especially since there is some Murphy’s law that this will always happen within an hour of having cleaned it.

    But over time, the loss of the dish will be the worst. Especially if your husband is anything like mine.

    Years ago we had this gorgeous cascade pitcher. Loved it. We were in a new apartment and had no idea there was 0 insulation between our kitchen cabinets and outside.

    So husband goes to make some juice. Takes out the pitcher, adds the frozen concentrate. Turns on the water (it wasn’t even hot water) and it shattered into several pieces.

    Now if we see anything that reminds me of it, whether shape, design, or just glass heating and cooling (like the youtube videos the kids were watching on glass blowing) I bring up my poor pitcher that he shattered.

    This was 9-10 years ago that this happened. Yeah sometimes I’m kinda a jerk. Hopefully your husband is better than me. Or you’ll be hearing
    “You know what this food item would be best in? That wonderful dish you shattered.”

    • Oh Lizzy, your poor hubby! First he’s shocked that the pitcher explodes in his hands — then he’s gotta hear about it from you for the next ten years! Ha! Poor guy probably has PTSD!
      (However I can entirely empathize with your wistful recollection of the beloved pitcher. There’s a pair of black pants I wore in college that I still pine for! They were the coolest, slimming-est pants I ever owned — and I had bought them at the Salvation Army store! What I wouldn’t give for that pair of pants! I’d even trade my Floor Lasagna for ’em!)

      • Lizzy said:

        Thankfully it shattered in the sink and not in his hands. (I’ve never again called him lazy for filling pitchers in the sink, cause you never know.)

        I’m feeling those pants, not literally. It always seems worse when it is something that you didn’t get from a “real” store, so you can’t buy duplicates or replacements.

        My pitcher was a wedding gift…to my parents. It sat in its box, in our basement for about 30 some odd years. And when I moved out my mom was all “Here take this wedding crap I never liked and never used. And be grateful you’re allowed to return gifts and won’t have your own unused crap in your basement.”

  14. Nicole the weaver said:

    I was a new wife (and pregnant) and was cooking a meatloaf in the microwave. I was draining the grease out of it, and somehow managed to dump the meatloaf on the floor. Pregnancy hormones made me cry.

    • I would cry even if I WEREN’T pregnant! My meal on the floor? Argh!

      • Nicole the weaver said:

        I HAD just mopped the floor, so….Yeah, we ate it.

  15. Why do you not have your own youtube cooking channel??!
    I would watch every single episode, and share the shit out of that, um, shit.

    • Brilliant idea! Calling my agent now!
      Discovering I don’t have agent!
      Going to get agent now!

      • Go! Go! Go! try not to get killed by Black Friday barbarians on the way!

  16. Pingback: thanksgiving dinner disasters

    • Sigh. Too true, Stacey, too true. Ain’t NOBODY got time fo’ da ER!

    • Me too! And Happy Thanksgiving to you too, Phil!!

  17. This story had me cracking up. You handled that situation way better than I did. But your little lady definitely made it better. I think both your meal solutions were great. Loved your daughter’s text.
    Katherine G recently posted..Kidz Bop Cd ReviewMy Profile

    • Thanks, Katherine! Her sense of humor helped get me through it!

  18. Oh the humanity! I would’ve cried. ;) But Chloe rocks! And it didn’t happen if you didn’t get photo documentation, right?

    • HA! YES! “Pics or it didn’t happen!”
      Oh, it happened, my friends, it (sob) happened!

  19. RIP, yummy lasagna. I’m sorry for your loss but I gained a lot of laughs from this post. ;)

    • Thanks, Ashley. Happy to sacrifice my meal for your amusement! :)

  20. Lee A Lewis said:

    I do not know if this counts as a mishap but last week we have family over for Thanksgiving and I had everything planned out to the minute around the stove, cook turkey, put in other dishes to cook during last 45 minutes of cooking turkey, remove turkey and add side dishes brought by relatives for re-heating, remove food and add pumpkin pie for cooking while everyone is eating. Everything was going according to plan until it came time to remove the turkey, it was not done. Upon speculation (later confirmed) we decided that the oven thermostat was defective so we increased the temperature. An hour later the turkey is done so I add the side dishes for re-heating forgetting that the dishes I had placed in there for cooking had now been in there an extra hour. It was a little crusty on the edges but removing the center to a serving bowl removed that small defect. Placing all the dishes on the island for serving I slid the pumpkin pie on the top rack to cook and watched my happy, and very understanding, family gorge themselves on the traditional Thanksgiving fare.

    As I was finishing dinner about, 45 minutes later, I glanced in the kitchen to see how much time was left on the timer for the pie. My wife, seeing me look in the kitchen, said to me “oh, do not worry about the oven, I saw you left it on so I turned it off for you.” I do not know exactly what the look on my face was, but my wife’s cousin, who was sitting across from me, started laughing as soon as he saw it. I calmly (I hope) explained that no, the oven was left on because the pie was on the top rack. This lead to a discussion about the pros and cons of cooking the pie the day before which is apparently what I should have done. I was able to get the pie finished in the end but I had to check it every 10 minutes with a knife to make sure it did not overcook.

    Not sure if a bunch of small mishaps equal a big one but there you have it.

    A final note: my father and brother swear by peanut butter and bacon sandwiches I prefer peanut butter and honey.

    • Ha! “oh, do not worry about the oven, I saw you left it on so I turned it off for you.” ARGH! That’s grounds for divorce right there! Maybe even justifiable homicide! HA! You’re a good sport for handling it like a gentleman! And I bet the pie was delish!

    • LOL — as long as you’re doing your Chemistry homework, I’ll be happy to give you a back rub!

  21. Amy said:

    I think your daughter and mine would become fast BFFs! Nevermind that, I wanna be your daughter’s BFF!! :-)

    • Ha! I’ll tell her that — she is pretty funny! Damn smart ass! I love her!