Eject the Pervert!

Ejecting the Pervert from NYC bus!  A funny tale of bravery and bedlam!  #funny @SoThenStories.com

So then…my sister glares at the stranger with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns, telepathically conveying, “Someone’s getting’ thrown from this bus – and it ain’t gonna be me, buddy!”

Let me back up.

My darling sister Dawn is visiting me in New York City for the first time, along with her husband.

We’re all in our 20’s and I’m so excited to show off the city I’ve called home a couple years now.

I take them to:

Stunning museums!
Fabulous Broadway shows!
International restaurants!
Cool dance clubs!
And world-renowned landmarks!

And for ever after, when people ask her about her first trip to Manhattan, does she share those wondrous sights, sounds, and experiences?

Nope.

She shares this story:

Dawn, her husband, and I take the subway from midtown Manhattan all the way downtown to Battery Park for a huge 4th of July festival.

All day and night, New Yorkers make their way down to the harbor to see the ships and fireworks.

It’s a blast!

But then the event’s over. And all those hundreds of thousands of New Yorkers want to go home UPTOWN right now.

Like RIGHT NOW.

Naturally the mass transit system can’t handle ALL of us at once, so we walk in big massive sweaty throngs from subway entrance to subway entrance, hoping to find one that’s open. But they’re all packed from overcrowding.

Finding a taxi is laughable and traffic ain’t moving anyway.

We consider waiting it out, but late night in Battery Park’s a bit sketchy.

The crack ho’s and meth heads are puzzled why their ‘hood’s mobbed with anxious Uptown preppies. “Get out the way, preppies. You’re harshing our mellow.”

So we trudge onward, desperate for any mode of transportation.

FINALLY we see a bus. It is full. We board anyway.

Every inch of space is taken with tired cranky people in various degrees of inebriation.

In the mayhem, the three of us are separated as we stand in the aisle squeezed amongst tons of other people.

As the bus inches its way uptown, we hear some murmuring, annoyed tsking, and a couple “Hey!s” from the right side of the bus.

My sister’s on that side of the bus — but her husband’s in the back and I’m on the far left, so we can’t really see what’s happening.

We find out later from my sister that there’s a man who is…how do I say…slightly tipsy? intoxicated? – ok, SMASHED OUT OF HIS EVER-LIVIN’ MIND!

Apparently, this big tall guy decides to lean into the women standing next to him – and I mean LEEEEEAN into them.

He wants to share his Rocket Pocket and NO ONE is buying. As soon as he leans his pelvicular area into some girl or woman, they push him away, but he just gets gropey elsewhere.

Passengers complain to the bus driver, who says, “I’m not allowed to leave my seat – can someone back there help out!?”

Lots of mumbling, but no action.

Bus keeps moving; the drunk guy keeps leaning his Joy Junk into the women near him. People are telling him to cut it out but he just shouts belligerently. He’s bobbing and swaying – and lunges in my direction.

My sister Dawn – my sweet petite darling sister who wouldn’t hurt a fly says, “That’s it, buddy, you’re OUTTA here!”

He laughs. She shouts, “Off the bus!” He turns away. She calls to the driver, “Stop the bus! This guy’s gettin’ off.”

The guy curses and moves away from her, squeezing into the crowd in front of him.

MY SISTER FOLLOWS HIM.

She keeps telling him, “Off the bus. Off the bus, buddy.”

He resists. She follows and starts tapping him on the shoulder! He’s at least a foot taller than her! It’s like David poking Goliath.

She’s nudging him toward the exit. He resists and curses.

She perseveres.

Her husband and I are in shock – we’re separated from her by about 30 people in each direction. We can’t even reach her to help her!

She keeps prodding him closer and closer to the exit. People try to squeeze out of the way to give them a tiny path to stumble through.

Now he’s in that little step well next to the doors, but hanging on for dear life. He does NOT want to exit the bus.

The driver stops the bus and pushes the door’s auto-open button. My sister keeps nudging the guy, pushing him politely but firmly in the back, saying, “You need to get off the bus now, go home – go home, guy” – and finally shoves him out the door!

THE BUS ERUPTS INTO HUGE CHEERS!

The driver quickly pushes the auto-close button, drives up a couple blocks, stops the bus, stands up and says,

“Men! You oughta be ashamed of yourselves! I legally can’t leave my seat or lay hands on any passenger! I can’t believe you let that tiny little girl throw that drunk pervert off the bus! You should’ve helped her!” Then he turns to my sister and says, “Good job, young lady. I thank you – we all do!”

And the bus claps and cheers for my sister again – and all the men look a bit sheepish – and honestly, the ones who were close enough to that section of the bus could have helped a bit –

But hey, hell hath no fury like my sister when someone’s shoving their unwelcome boy toy willy-nilly into a crowd!

And ya know what? That’s a helluva better First-Trip-to-New-York story than some dusty ol’ museum recap!

Go Dawn! Girl Power for the Win!

— Darcy Perdu

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44 replies on “Eject the Pervert!

  1. Julie said:

    GO DAWN!!!

    I see what kinda stock you are from now Darcy! I might have done that drunk, cause, you know, liquid courage…. but sober? Only to defend my children!

  2. Go, Dawn! That there is why I hate (crowds plus pervs) and love (crowds that got your back) NYC. Ah, subways and buses, a frotteurist’s delight!
    Liz recently posted..Zoe vs. the Homeric EpithetMy Profile

    • Liz, I had to look up the word “frotteurist” and wondered why I never learned that word at school.
      Oh. I see. I see why.
      YOWZA! Who knew they actually have a term for THAT!?

  3. SophieS said:

    Joy Junk! BWAHAHAHAHA

  4. Jazzmen said:

    Good for her!! That’s why they say when you’re in a crowd and need assistance you have to lock eyes with and point someone out to ask for help or everyone assumes somebody else will do it.

    • Yeah, the fireworks show was great — the trudge back uptown, not so much! :)

  5. Yes, yay for your sister! Have to wonder about that bus driver though– he legally couldn’t get up yes, but couldn’t he verbally tell the guy to get off the bus or shout for a man to help while it was all happening? I applaud him for being vocal afterwards but what about during? Great post!
    Stephanie Lewis recently posted..Puppets, Painting, & Puzzles . . . Oh My!My Profile

    • Right? I wondered about that too. I can only imagine what those bus drivers must encounter on a daily basis, though!

  6. This story is awesome! I love it when people step in and take care of situations on their own without waiting for someone else!

    • Thanks, Liz! My sister takes care of business!

  7. lol when I used to take the bus I carried a knife and a pepper spray. Trust me, just flashing that shiny sharp bad boy kept the creeps far away from me! And if it hadn’t… I was ready to claim self defense and do some serious damage, he wouldn’t forget who I was any time soon! *damn I sound nuts…. lol

  8. Paul said:

    Yikes! I too had to look up the word. Only in New York. It’s amazing what one can accomplish when one is too new to the situation to think about the ways it could go wrong. If a man had tried to do that he likely would have been seen as challenging the offender and started a war. She done good. Very many city folk have learned to not react to negatives in order to keep the peace. That sometimes goes too far.

    Ha! i recall when I was new to trucking i delivered a load of lobsters to a mob controlled fish distributor in Boston one day. There were 8 docks but only two dock plates to unload. I got a dock and when my appt time came to unload, I went looking for the supervisor. He promised that I would get the next available dock plate and within a few minutes it arrived. I was in the trailer straightening the pallets and waiting for the forklift when I heard a noise, turned around and found the dock plate gone. I marched to the rear of the trailer, stood on the dock and saw my dock plate going down the dock on a forklift. In my loudest voice I shouted “Who the F**k took my F**king dock plate?!?!” All motion on the dock stopped and there was an eerie quiet. The supervisor stepped forward and apologized and told me it would be right back with the forklift to unload me. And so it was. When I was done unloading and was going out the door, one of the dock men followed me and on the steps stopped me and asked to shake my hand. I was surprised but shook his hand and asked why. He then told me that the supervisor was bossy and often even abusive towards everyone. No one had ever talked back because they were afraid of the mob. Apparently I was the first person he had ever seen yell at the supervisor and so he wanted to thank me.

    I told him it was nothing and went on my way. But i have to tell you that gave a lot of thought to what might have happened if the supervisor had not backed down. Ahh, the bravery of innocence.

    • LOL! I love that image of you yelling out “Who the F*ck took my F*cking dock plate?”
      A missing dock plate definitely warrants a 2-F*ck sentence! Ha!

  9. Your sister has what my family likes to call “chutzpah” (non-literal translation – “balls”!)
    Good for her, and good for the bus driver!

  10. Yeah sometimes it takes a girl to step up and push the pervert off the bus also in some cases being a girl is advantage as the guy may not start throwing punches if it is a girl tossing him off the bus
    Jo-Anne recently posted..A bit about the timeMy Profile

    • Yeah, I wondered about that too! I was afraid he might turn around and bop her one! But he seemed more interested in spreading his Joy Junk than punches! Ha!

  11. AinOakPark said:

    Thanks for the story! Ha ha ha! Good for Dawn! It’s taking that kind of crap that encourages people to continue bad behavior. As far as I’m concerned, she was too nice to him, and those wimpy men should have helped out.

    One of my daughters lived in San Francisco and got fondled on a standing-room-only bus. She is no small person, 6′ 2″ and not small boned. She slammed her heel down onto the jerk’s instep. He got off the bus at the next stop, limping and swearing. My girl had eye contact with an older woman who evidently had watched the whole thing. She gave my daughter a raised eyebrow solemn nod of approval. My daughter’s comment was that all those pounds per square inch were going to teach him to think twice before he tried that with anyone again.

    • LOVE IT! 6’2″ of POWER thundering down on that groper’s instep! Your daughter rocks!!

  12. Amanda said:

    That is AWESOME! Good for her! I also loved that you used the term “pocket rocket” in this post! ha ha ha! :) As always, thanks for the laughs :)

  13. Hey Darcy, even better than your brave, pistol of a sister, is the way you tell the story: )

    • Ha! And it’s really fun when my two sisters and I get TOGETHER and tell stories! We’re CRYING, we’re laughing so hard! :)

    • That’s so funny, Prabs, because it’s true! My sister’s a tiny little thing and my Mom is 5 foot total and they are both fierce mama bears!

  14. Great story! I can see the whole thing playing out in my mind, and it’s been years since I’ve been in NYC.

    • Thanks, Forrest, that’s a great compliment! Glad you could see it playing out in your mind!