Easier to Wrangle a Vampire at a Blood Bank than a Kid at a Grocery Store

Isn't It Easier to Wrangle a Vampire at a Blood Bank than a Kid at the Grocery Store? #funny @sothenstories

So then…I try to navigate the brightly-lit food aisles with my daughter, who’s enthusiastically belting out constant demands:

“I want ice cream!”
“Let’s get cookies!”
“Fruit roll-ups!”
“I want ALL these cereals!!”
“Please? Pleeeeeeeeease!? MOM!! PLEASE!!!!!”

Perfectly understandable toddler behavior.

But she’s not 4.

She’s 15.

Why are kids such sugar-fiends, no matter how old they are?

We’re in Costco, so I’m pushing the cart in between 8 million shoppers as I try to grab a few quick things.

But every time we pass something sweet, Chloe starts yammering about how much she NEEDS to have it.

“Mom! Look! I love this ice cream! We have to get it!”

She runs over to the freezer door, pointing and making sweet puppy dog eyes.

“Chloe, that’s COSTCO-sized ice cream! Those containers are huge! That’ll last us 3 months!”

“No, it won’t! I promise I’ll eat it before 3 months.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of!” I retort.

Now believe me, my daughter gets plenty of sugary treats in her life. She also eats pretty healthy meals and she’s in good shape.

When it comes to dessert, I’m not too strict – and I’m not too lax. But she’s driving me batty with all her plaintive pleas today.

In fact, she’s relishing the role, practically swooning when we pass the cereal aisle.

“Omigod, Mom, look at all the cereals you won’t let me have!”

“Cereal? You mean ‘Sugar in a Bowl?’”

“Mommmmmmmmmmm!” she says, dragging out the syllable and rolling her eyes.

We’re laughing as I push the cart to a different section to distract her.

“Forget about all the sugary food, Chloe! Let’s go over here. Do you need underwear?”

“No, just sugar.”

“How about this section — do you need school supplies?”

“Are they made of sugar?”

“Oh, look! Books! You love reading! Let’s look in the book section!” I say, wheeling the cart over to the display.

“I hate books,” she says, mock petulantly.

“What? You do not! You love books!” I roll the cart down the book aisle, looking at the covers.

“I do not!”

“You used to! Don’t you remember?” I ask.  “You used to get in trouble a couple years ago for reading too late at night!”

Chloe follows me as I push the cart along.  I say wistfully, “Don’t you remember? I’d have to come in and pry the book out of your hands! That girl LOVED to read! I really liked that girl! She was so nice and sweet. Whatever happened to that girl?”

“I a—” Bwahahaha!

Chloe’s laughing so hard, she can’t finish her sentence.

“I a—” Bwahahaha!

Now I’M laughing because I realize she’s trying to say “I ATE her!”

We both stop in the middle of the aisle, laughing so hard, tears are running down our cheeks. I’m literally crossing my legs so I don’t pee my pants.

And the two of us just keep saying “I a—” over and over, dissolving into fits of laughter.

Shoppers weave around us, giving us a curious glance, wondering what the hell is so damn funny over by the book section.

— Darcy Perdu

If you enjoyed this post, receive NEW funny posts by subscribing HERE!

(Do your kids drive you batty with their pleas for sugary treats when you shop with them? When do they grow out of that? DO they grow out of that? Or are you smart enough to shop WITHOUT them? And let’s be honest, do some sugary treats find their way into your cart even when you ARE shopping alone? What’s your weakness? Mine is anything produced by those dastardly devilishly delectable boys, Ben & Jerry!)

If you smiled -- share it!
If you LAUGHED -- share it TWICE!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

36 replies on “Easier to Wrangle a Vampire at a Blood Bank than a Kid at a Grocery Store

  1. My son is an unbelievable sugar fiend. I try to draw a middle line, but fear I’m stunting his growth with all of the Skittles and ice cream bars I let him eat. He moves constantly, so he’s thin as a rail, but all that sugar just can’t be good for them, right?
    Cassandra recently posted..Kids Birthday Parties: A Progressive Tax SystemMy Profile

    • I just hope I sneak in enough veggies and protein in their meals to balance out all that sugar they consume!! (crossing fingers)
      My other strategy is just to EAT ALL THE SUGARY TREATS MYSELF to prevent them from having too much. I’m a giver like that.

  2. SophieS said:

    “I ate her” hahahaha
    I said the same thing one day when my mum and I were talking about me losing weight in front of some coworkers (worked in the same office as my mum) and she lovingly said to me “there’s a skinny girl in there I know it!” and I replied back totally straight-faced “I know she is, I ate her, and all her cookies.”

    • Bwahaha! They must have died laughing — that’s hilarious! “AND her cookies too!” Love it!

  3. Judy P said:

    I took hubby with me the other day for a few quick things. He didn’t beg, he just stuck things in the cart. I ended up buying two kinds of soda, frozen pizzas, and a wide assortment of snacks (peanut butter pretzels, anyone) that I never buy. That stuff is expensive.

    • Ha! Sometimes hubby-shopping is even more challenging than kid-shopping!
      But he IS right about the peanut butter pretzels! Delish!

    • My husband is banned from going grocery shopping with me. I end up with more than if I took the kids with me!

      • Those rascally husbands! They find all SORTS of goodies to toss in the cart! :)

  4. Well she comes by her twisted sense of humour honestly!

    I remember once my mother being under the weather and not able to do the weekly shopping. She sent me and my dad with a list to do it. We ended up spending more than she normally would.
    William Kendall recently posted..Horizontal Or VerticalMy Profile

    • I imagine you and your dad found lots of delicious items to “supplement” her list! Ha!

  5. Ok this was funny because I have had the same conversation with my daughter and she is 25 now but I hate to take her shopping, mum says she has the same problem with my sisters one is 43 and the other 36 and they still carry on like that when with mum and yes both are mothers themselves and both have the same problems with their daughters
    Jo-Anne recently posted..History of Australia DayMy Profile

    • Ha! So the whole family are sugar-thirsty shoppers! And who can blame them? It’s difficult to resist temptation in a grocery store when all those yummy delicious treats want to jump in your cart and go home with you! (or be eater in the line to the cashier!)
      :)

  6. AinOakPark said:

    Well, at least she has your sense of humor! What a hoot!

    In middle school, my eldest had a friend with a health-nut mother. This friend CRAVED sugar, and my daughter suggested that he buy sugar at the market. “When was the last time you were at the market alone?” he replied. So, she offered to sell him some sugar from our home. (Very entrepreneurial!) Handing him a baggie of sugar the next day, she was caught by the vice-principal, and the two were dragged into the office having broken the school’s zero tolerance drug use policy, both protesting, “It’s just SUGAR!” It took quite some time for my daughter to get the vice principal to TASTE it. Finally, they were off the hook. Well, the buyer’s mother happened to work in the school office and she was none too pleased, since she considered sugar to be a drug. I am not sure what happened when he got home, but it was a while before my child told me about the event.

    • Omigod, I’m DYING laughing! That is HYSTERICAL!
      And I love that she brought her friend PURE UNCUT SUGAR! Not even like a cookie or some cereal — she went straight to the hard stuff: the actual source!
      And the fact the principal thought it was actual drugs?? Omigod! Hilarious!

      • AinOakPark said:

        I know, right? She thought the vice principal was pretty dumb to think it was actually drugs, since she insisted that the granulated sugar “doesn’t even look like real drugs!” I don’t want to know HOW she knows this…

        • Hmmmm. Hopefully it was from an Afternoon Special on Nickelodeon about the dangers of drugs! :)

    • Right! And I’m so easily influenced by the crazy prices! I’ll see something like 96 Highlighter Markers for $6.99 and I’m like, “I MUST HAVE THIS! WHAT A BARGAIN!” So then, I have enough highlighter markers for my children’s children’s GRANDchildren!”

  7. Keely said:

    I spend my meager salary on three things: Clothes (cute ones, with minions or Tardis on them, of course), Books, and sweets to eat while I’m reading my books. :) That’s all I need. And internet. I have to keep up with the latest Supernatural

    • Oh, Keely, you and my son would get along wonderfully! He loves Dr. Who and he is OBSESSED with Supernatural. I’ve watched many episodes with him — and I’m definitely “Team Dean!” (swoon)

  8. My daughter and I have this same sort of relationship and I love it! Only now I don’t buy her groceries she does. We go to Sam’s Club and walk around and her cart looks like that of a 4 year old and she would say Mom, I’m eating for 3! Dear, you had the babies three months ago remember them? hahahahaha!
    Rena McDaniel recently posted..THE SOUNDS OF ALZHEIMER’SMy Profile

    • That’s so cool that you have that relationship with your daughter.
      And yes, she IS still allowed to “eat for 3” until the twins turn 18. It’s a law! :)

  9. My husband is 50 and still hasn’t met an ice cream he doesn’t love. He may have been a healthy eater when he was younger but when I ask what happened to that healthy young man, his response: “I a–”
    Snarkfest recently posted..Seriously?My Profile

    • Ha! I love your hubby’s sense of humor — and his superb taste in dairy treats! I ALSO love all ice cream! Ben & Jerry’s is my vice of choice!

  10. As annoying as my mom could be when I was growing up, there were some things she did that, in retrospect, made a lot of sense.

    I grew up during WWII, when sugary cereals just didn’t exist, and sugar itself was hard to get. By the time I was into the “buy me- get me” stage, her standard answer was “save your allowance.” Also, I went to a boarding school, where your breakfast choices were oatmeal or corn flakes or go hungry.

    At any rate, when our crew wanted, as you said, “sugar in a bowl” I just told them to buy it themselves. We had pancakes and waffles on Sundays after church, which were sugary enough, but a lot of times I sent them to school with orange juice, homemade oatmeal cookies (whole wheat flour, raisins, and walnuts) and a dish of applesauce. The middle daughter was allergic to milk, so cereal wasn’t always an option. If we had oatmeal, I’d give her one of the liquid non-dairy creamers. If they *had* cereal, they’d put so much sugar on it that it would all sink to the bottom of the bowl, and I’d make them eat it anyway, which was a sort of selling point when they asked for sweet cereal; “You don’t want that. You know how the sugar all goes to the bottom of the bowl.”

    And they fell for it, poor things!

    • Very clever, Lady Anne! Love the “sugar at bottom of the bowl” ruse!
      BTW, I never thought of cookies for breakfast, but the oatmeal ones with whole wheat flour, raisins, and nuts actually sound healthy AND delicious! I need to try those out on the kids!

  11. Paul said:

    I’m with Phil on this one – I’m my own worst enemy at Costco. I used to have a hard time getting out of there for less than $400. And I know what you mean about the markers, Darcy – I have that problem too. I love Velveeta and they sell this huge 2 pound brick cheaper than anyone else sells the 1 pound. Of course, with such a bargain I have to stock up. And cookies – OMG. I have to stay out of places that stock the shelves with forklifts. And soda cheaper than the cheapest anywhere. I mean why would I go to the local 7-11 when I can buy it at Costco cheaper for a month’s supply and save money?

    I am not a good Costco shopper although the store probably thinks otherwise.

    • Your note about the cheese reminds me of the hilarious scene in the movie, “Mother,” when Albert Brookes visits his mom (played by Debbie Reynolds) in her Florida condo. She asks if he’d like some cheese, so he imagines a little cheese tray with perhaps brie and crackers. Instead, she hauls out this ENORMOUS block of cheese from her FREEZER that had to be like 5 lbs! He freaks out because the expiration date is about 9 months ago – but she says it’s fine because it’s been in the freezer. While she’s trying to chip off a frozen hunk of the cheese for her dismayed son Albert, she prattles on about how she just couldn’t resist the low price of the bulk cheese at a Costco-type store. I was dying laughing!

      I know the siren song of the “low-priced bulk items” all too well. I’m inches away from that Debbie Reynolds character in that movie! Ha!

    • Thanks, Millie Noe! She makes me laugh all the time!

  12. So funny… It sounds like shopping with my two kids…they are almost 10 & 4. So, looks like I get to shop like this for the next 10 years! haha.

    • Yep! Buy some ear plugs, mama! You got a LOT of years of Sugar Pleas ahead of you! Ha!

  13. Lizzy said:

    I will take my 2 and 4 year olds to the grocery store over my 8 and 10 year olds any day.
    But it might have to do with that I can still put the little ones in the cart.
    Once walking kids are walking through the store it is just a whole new nightmare.
    Reminds me of a humorous article I read years ago on preparing to be parents.
    One step was to arrange for your paycheck to be direct deposited to the grocery store. Another was to go through a grocery store with 2 goats. Once you could do that, you were ready for parenthood.

    • Yes! That’s hysterical — go to the grocery store with 2 goats — that IS like shopping with kids! Love it!

  14. My tiny overlord has a somewhat concerning level of obsession with ice cream. Not a trip to the supermarket goes by without plaintive cries of ” I want i cream, Mummy, eyyyyyyyyyeee cream”. Come to think about it, the cry happens everywhere.
    Roz recently posted..Catch-Up on What I’ve Been Reading!My Profile

    • Omigosh, your tiny overlord and I would be the best of friends! I cry that SAME thing whenever I’M in a grocery story too! :)