Celine and the Fireman’s HOSE (Embarrassing Celebrity Story)

Celine and the Fireman's HOSE - Embarrassing Celebrity Story!  #funny @SoThenStories

So then…my friend and I pop into our seats in the flashy Vegas theater to see Celine Dion perform.

We’re not huge Celine fans, per se, but my company had bought tickets for an international client whose flight was cancelled, so my boss told me to take the tickets myself.

I’m not familiar with all of Celine’s music, but I do like that Love Boat song:

“Love, exciting and new — Come Aboard. We’re expecting you…”

Oh wait – not that one. The Sinking Love Boat song:

“Near, far, wherever you are — I believe that the heart does go on…”

So the show starts – Celine belts out some powerhouse hits – dancers dazzle us with complicated choreography – and a huge mime in a tiny top hat wanders around the stage, freaking me out a bit.

I have no idea how he plays into this performance as he literally DOES NOT SING – DOES NOT DANCE – and PERFORMS NO DISCERNABLE TRICKS.

He doesn’t even seem like he belongs in the cast. This 6 foot 6 inch guy just wanders around the back of the stage all night long, striking creepy poses in his mime outfit, white-face, and tiny top hat.

(For all I know, he’s NOT in the cast. Maybe he’s just a stalker with a clever ruse to get close to Celine.)

Anyway, about half way through her set, Celine stops to chat with her audience. It’s a bit awkward because it doesn’t come across as natural or conversational.

It’s as though a PR person has told her, “You appear to be an elite aloof ice cold Canadian perfectionist. You need to CONNECT with the little people – make yourself more human, so they can relate to you.”

Her set list probably says, “Insert charming stories about your family here.”

So she tells us about how much her son Rene’-Charles (4 years old at the time) loves Hot Wheels cars. Audience members smile – they can relate to this. Their tykes like Hot Wheels too!

Then she says he loves to ride those little coin-operated vibrating cars outside the toy store. Audience members nod their heads. Their kids enjoy that too!

Then she says she flew her son to NASCAR so he could ride laps in the winning car after the race.

BAM! That little tenuous connection to the audience immediately SNAPS!

Audience members are like, “Um, nope, can’t relate to that at all. Don’t have a private jet. Don’t know anyone at NASCAR to arrange a private lap in an actual NASCAR car. But….um….ya know, how lovely for YOU.”

Then she tries to share how cute it is when she kisses her son goodbye to go to work each night, when the helicopter lands in her yard to take her to the Vegas strip.

Um, OK. We get it, you’re rich. “Helicopter-In-The-Yard” Rich.

But my favorite is when she shares the story of the time they emptied their pool to install new decorative tiles.

(Please read this next part with your best French-Canadian accent):

“When zee work wuzz ‘finis,’ we put zee hose in da pool to feell it back up. But it wuzz taking so long because my pool – it izz ENORMOUS! SO BEEG! And poor little Rene’-Charles wuzz so hot! He wanted to swim so badly, but I jezz didn’t know whut to do!”

Here she pauses dramatically to shrug helplessly – and mime Rene’-Charles’ sadness.

“Zen I have zee wonderful idea! I call zee fire department and tell them about poor little Rene’-Charles and zey come right away! Vite! Vite! Zee fire trucks come to my house and zey put the giant FIRE hoses in my pool and ta-da – it feells to the top!”

Here she claps and hops like a giggly schoolgirl.

“All za firemenzz is so nice to Rene’-Charles to fill zee pool and now my boy can swim! Eez wonderful, yes?”

She beams.

We furrow our brows.

Um…yeah…we guess so.

I dunno, though. I like to please my kid as much as the next mom, but if my 4-year-old was whining that the pool wasn’t filling up fast enough, I’d probably pop him in the bathtub or squirt him with the hose.

I’m not sure I’d call the FIRE DEPARTMENT to come use city water and city equipment to fill my pool. Maybe they do that in certain areas, but I’m not sure that’s the best use of city resources. (Fire dispatcher: “Sorry we can’t put out your 4-alarm fire, sir, we’re filling Rene’-Charles’ pool! He eez so hot!”)

To be fair, if I had Celine’s talent and wealth, I might well bathe my children in monks’ tears and feed them fresh-squeezed unicorn milk.

But I do worry that Rene’-Charles (RC) might develop a bit of an “immediate-gratification” issue if this is the MO:

RC: “Me like Hot Wheels.”
Celine: “Lezz hop zee jet to NASCAR for a lap in zee winning car!”

RC: “Me want swim.”
Celine: “Call the fire department! Feell thiz pool quick-quick!”

What’s next?

RC: “Playground kid gave me mean look.”
Celine: “Call the National Guard!”

RC: “My ice cream tastes icky.”
Celine: “Fly Ben & Jerry here immediately to make a fresh batch!”

RC: “Me sleepy. Sing lullaby.”
Celine: “Quick, get Beyonce and Taylor Swift over here NOW!”

Um, wait, Celine, aren’t YOU a singer too?

Celine: “Oh, yeah, right, right – I guess I could do zat one myself. — Get me a mic and my tiny top hat mime STAT!”

— Darcy Perdu

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Let’s hope Rene’-Charles’ parents don’t try to top each other for birthday parties like these two insanely-wealthy competitive parents!

(Is that totally normal to have the fire department fill up your ENORMOUS pool? Ever see celebs try to “relate” to us commoners? If YOU had unlimited wealth, what extravagance would you indulge in with happy abandon?)

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39 replies on “Celine and the Fireman’s HOSE (Embarrassing Celebrity Story)

  1. OMG this is hilarious. I cannot STAND Celine Dion and I seriously would not have taken the free tickets to the show. However, it would have been totally worth it to #1 see the creepy weird mime and #2 to watch her try and relate to actual people!!! That is hilarious!!!
    Allie recently posted..The Rundown: Snowstorms, Sickness and Snowboarding!My Profile

    • Ha! You’re right – it was totally worth it!
      Although — that creepy weird mime haunts my nightmares now! Ha!

  2. Arionis said:

    If my wife and I were ever on the Newlywed Game and I got asked “What celebrity does your wife hate the most?” I would win hands down! She absolutely positively can not stand Celine Dion. Not my favorite either. I call her Celine Ding Dong.

    • That’s so funny – let’s hope you’re on the Newlywed Game one day with that question!
      Celine’s super talented but I think she rubs people the wrong way sometimes. She certainly wasn’t helping her cause that night at the concert with those stories! Ha!

      • Arionis said:

        I heard that mime turned out to be the now famous Left Shark! :)

        • HA! He’s movin’ up in the world — first Celine’s creepy mime and now Katy Perry’s Left Shark!

  3. Rene-Charles is going to grow up to be a class A spoiled prat and wanker.

    I didn’t mind her, up to a point. My Heart Will Go On (And On And On And This Song Will Never End And We’ll Keep Reliving Jack And Rose Forever Because This Song Is Now Stuck In Your Head) was that point.
    William Kendall recently posted..Open Waters On The Speed RiverMy Profile

    • Ha! That song DOES go on forever!
      I hope Rene’-Charles grows up to be a great kid, but I’ll admit I’m a bit worried about the immediate-gratification thing!

    • AinOakPark said:

      Thank you, William Kendall for “A spoiled prat and wanker.” That about says it all.

  4. Alex said:

    What a hoot! The only celebrity story I have is about going to a famous opera singer’s concert (yeah free tickets too…I’m not really into opera) and after every second song she would disappear backstage. No explanation – nothing. Awkward silence every time it happened and it would take several minutes. If I had paid for my ticket I would have started to calculate how much these breaks were costing me! And this was after she had declared she hadn’t been to our town for so long because she really loves her home town… I could see the blue rinse brigade stiffen in recoil and if it had been a pop concert no doubt someone would have yelled “Go home then!”. I know I was tempted to. But I didn’t. Maybe next time.

    • Ha! That is so weird! Now I’m dying to know why she kept disappearing backstage?
      Snorting coke? Passing wind? Bottle-feeding newborn baby kittens?

  5. Keely said:

    I’ve only heard one of her songs, and I really did not like it. I would’ve gotten the free tickets, and then sold them

    • Keely, I need someone like you in my gang! It would never have occurred to me to SELL the tix! That’s brilliant! Obviously we need some brains in this outfit!

  6. Kat Caldwell said:

    Any little respect she had has been totally lost now!

    • Right? I was thinking, “Please, Celine, stop – just stop. You are NOT helping yourself with these stories!”

  7. Lizzy said:

    That is so funny. Last night I was talking to my husband and asked “If we had endless money, I mean absolutely endless, never ever again worry about money no matter what we buy; how many books do you think we would own?”
    It devolved into an argument on whether we would need to hire a librarian or not.
    Just exciting people we are.

    • Lizzy, you guys are MY kind of people! That’s awesome and hilarious — “we might need to hire a librarian!” Ha!
      Sometimes I’ll walk into a huge Barnes & Noble with all the gleaming new books beckoning to me with their intriguing covers, fascinating book jacket summaries, and untold treasures lying in print inside — and I think, “This must surely be what Heaven is like — an enormous FREE book store!”

  8. Paul said:

    I don’t think that Celine ever got used to being rich and famous. I like some of her music but not all. her stuff in French is much more organized and meaningful. I think she is uncomfortable in English and someone else programs her tunes.

    She was born in a small poor town in rural Quebec and was the youngest of 14 children (Catholics). The family was dirt poor and Celine had nothing but hand me downs. After she became rich, her husband died of cancer.

    I don’t think her “bragging” was really saying that she was better – I think it was just total amazement at the things that happen to her. She is very awkward in person and I doubt she considered how her words would impact her audience, since I think she still sees herself as a not very important person and is constantly surprised at her impact.

    I agree that if she keeps up this behaviour her son will be spoiled rotten. I suspect she just wants what is best for him and she does not know what normal is. She knows abject poverty and she knows rich beyond belief, but not normal. I suspect she just gives her son the opposite of what she had and is hoping it will workout OK.

    • Aw dammit, Paul, now ya got me “feelin’ the feels” for Celine! Maybe you’re right — she’s just awkward, not insensitive.
      If it helps to unload her of some of those millions so she can experience “normal life,” I happily volunteer to take the bucks off her hands! :)

  9. I think I would have worn ear plugs to the Celine show and concentrated the creepy mime. And if I ever would have asked the fire department to fill up my little Marques’ and Rene’s pool, that fire hose of theirs would have blown that pool of theirs to another county. Good story, Darcy :)

    • Ha! Hilarious visual!
      I don’t think I’d invite the firemen over to fill the pool — but I might invite them over for croquet and a picnic! Hubba Hubba!

  10. Tara said:

    Growing up in Canada in the 80’s, we had to listen to Celine Dion in French class ALL THE TIME. Whenever I hear her I have flashbacks to sitting at my desk, trying desperately to understand her so I could fill in the blanks on the lyric sheet in front of me. I will unfortunately always associate Celine Dion with homework.

    (Love your stories by the way.)

    • What a funny association! Celine = Homework!
      I took French in school too — but it was in Louisiana, so they taught us French in a Southern accent! Eek!

      • Tara said:

        I would love to hear that!

        • Ah-saaaaaaay – YAAAAAAAY — Voo, SEE Voo PLAAAAAAAY! Fermaaaaaay La BOOSH!

          (That’s Southern-accented French for “Sit down please and be quiet.”) Ha!

  11. AinOakPark said:

    Thanks for the story, Darcy!

    I’ve never been a fan of CD, and it is incredible that she has guidance and that they don’t do a better job of making her easier to relate to. It sounds like they should tell her more of what NOT to say. I would be disturbed by the mime, too. Don’t people know that many people don’t like clowns or mimes?

    I originally read the story to hear more about the fireman’s “hose”…I was sorely disappointed! : )

    • LOL! “Fireman’s hose!”
      Just Google that term — I’m sure you’ll be happily delighted! HA!

  12. I have been a fan of Celine for years and years. I think it’s a default state for a gay man. And yet, this story makes me hate her a little bit.

    Oh well, I’m sure listening to ‘It’s All Coming Back To Me’ will snap me out of it.

    Still, that is a bit cringe-worthy. Stop shoving your cash in everyone’s face Celine! Better yet, shove actual cash in everyone’s face, I think we’d like that more.

    • LOL! Yes, yes! Shove your cash at me, Celine!
      (She DOES have a gorgeous voice — and I love powerhouse singers!)

  13. What a wonderful life to have these kinds of problems. It cracks me to hear these people thing that their problems are so uniquely hard. Give me a break!
    Rena McDaniel recently posted..A CAREGIVER’S EPIPHANYMy Profile

    • Rena, so when your garden needs weeding, you DON’T call the mayor of your town to come take care of it? I’m thinking if I see gophers in my backyard again, I might call the police chief to come take care of it. Ha!

  14. Your Celine Dion impression was dead on. Amazing how I can tell just from reading. Loved this story! Mimes- can’t live with ’em and can’t keep ’em out of a Celine show.
    You are so funny!!

  15. One more reason to dislike Celine Dion with the white hot intensity of 1,000 blazing hot suns that would make little Renee Charles oh, so uncomfortably hot and in need of a pool. You really took one for the team sitting through that, Darc.
    Linda Roy recently posted..Aisle 9…EternityMy Profile