So then…I gasp.
I am literally in shock as I see the images that pop up when searching “Why Middle-Aged Women Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Drink” for a post I’m writing.
I’m just looking for your garden-variety drunken face-plant, but INSTEAD I see this:
Now, I don’t know who these ladies are – but I totally want to party with them!
They obviously have a FABULOUS sense of humor!
Yes, they are topless — and yes, they have painted their bosoms to look like bulging frog eyes.
They’re lettin’ it ALL hang out!
And what’s even more hysterical is that:
from the neck UP, they totally look like they could be accountants or PTA presidents –
but from the neck DOWN, it’s all P-A-R-T-Y!!
Googly-eyed boobie frogs with frisky tongues and unbuttoned jeans! Hilarious!
Now, I don’t normally shake my ta-tas in public, sans clothing – but I can kind of understand the allure of partying topless with some fun, colorful paint decorations.
Like these chicks who are celebrating Mardi Gras — let the good times roll and the tits swing! I get it. Rock on, sisters.
But what the hell is going on here?
Is she actually AT Disneyland?
I already shared with you the ONE Thing That Disneyland Insists You Do NOT Bring to Their Park – but apparently Disneyland needs to clarify that you DO need to bring a boob-covering of some kind.
And just as I’m wondering if her parents would be mortified to learn their daughter is exposing herself by baring her Mickey-Minnie breasts…
I see the family portrait, which indicates that Mom and Dad not only approve of her behavior, but Mom joins in the boobie-baring fun!
Of course, I shudder to think what a full-length photo might reveal that Dad has decorated down below – perhaps a Penile Pluto? Yikes!
Apparently, boob-painting allows people to share their passions in a visually-striking way –
The sports fan:
The animal lover:
The cartoon enthusiast:
The art lover:
Talk about Vincent Van Go-Go!
This is actually a gorgeous rendition of Starry, Starry Night.
You can’t help but be impressed with the craftsmanship of this paint job.
On the other hand, this chick seems singularly UNIMPRESSED with her paint job:
She’s like, “Yeah, I guess I’ll show ya. I wanted to coordinate my tits with my skull jacket – but I dunno, once I finished, I just wasn’t feelin’ it, ya know? The flames just look like heartburn. I shoulda gone with the Budweiser Frogs.”
I imagine her at a party, all bummed out over her lackluster Skull Boobs, when suddenly she notices someone enter. “Aw shit,” she mumbles, “Look who’s here – it’s Butterfly Girl.”
Yowza! Now THAT’S a paint job to be proud of!
If I had a body like this, I’d paint myself like this every day and go about my business. I’m not kidding. If I lose a few pounds, I’m totally doing this. And not just for special occasions. EVERY DAY. Look for me at Target and the post office and the bank. I’m the Bad-Ass Butterfly right in front of you in line.
This next lady looks lovely too, but I’m not digging her pose.
It’s like she had to gracefully pause, mid-photo, for a delicate toot.
Pass gas on your own time, lady!
And body painting is NOT just for super models and the cool kids!
Geeks love it too!
Live long and prosper you Star Trek pranksters, you!
(Somewhere, Spock is turning over in his grave.)
(And he’s not even dead yet.)
Liz Lemon on “30 Rock” has a wonderful expression when she is very excited about something. She stares intensely and says, “I.want.to.go.there.”
I think a lot of men would see this photo:
And say the same thing: “I.want.to.go.there.”
Or to this lady.
But this photo will make you say “I.do.NOT.want.to.go.there.”
Oh she seems nice enough.
But the body paint is just…um…no…wrong…eek eek…run away, run away!
Meanwhile, I have no idea what the HELL is going on here:
Her arm is a bat? One boob is a man? One boob is a ball? The man is holding the bat? What the hell? Just too much going on here! I’m dizzy! Hit me with the bat, please!
So apparently unicorns DO exist – and they have access to spray paint and bicycles.
I especially love the facial expressions of complete nonchalance on the painted ladies – they’re all business-like, totally serious, like: “Nothing to see here, folks, just ridin’ our bikes.”
I do sense a little frustration from Red-Yellow Lady, though – I’m getting that vibe like “Dammit, Lucy, I told you to get ORANGE paint — mixing red and yellow DID NOT work at ALL.”
Blue Babe, meanwhile, is fine with paint in every crack and crevice – but clearly draws the line at her ears. “Not the ears! Not the EARS!”
And you can tell Blue Babe and Not-Even-Close-To-Orange Lady are being all judge-y of Yellow Chick for showing so much skin while rockin’ her painted bikini – like, “Why doesn’t that tramp paint her limbs like us? Show some modesty, for God’s sake! There are CHILDREN present!”
All I can think is how uncomfortable it is to ride a bicycle seat with SHORTS on – so if the only thing separating you and the bike seat on a long ride is a thin layer of paint — Holy Shizznit!
Meanwhile, lots of blue paint on this lady below:
This seems like a lot of trouble go to, in order to appear to be wearing a sexy corset, panties, and stockings. And isn’t the point of such sensual undergarments to inspire your lover to rip them from your body and ravish you? So in this case – what? Seems a little less sexy if he’s gotta get out the paint remover and a rag…
Or does he just ravish you WHILE you’re painted blue? But if the paint’s transferable, would he end up looking like a member of Blue Man Group? Including his member?
Other photos show people who seem completely surprised that their boobs are painted…
Like “OMIGOD, I just woke up! What the hell IS this? Who put this face here?”
Other photos show people who try too hard…
And some people who didn’t try quite hard enough…
Come on, dude, seriously?
Is that the best you can do?
That’s hardly worth opening a can of paint.
But I do applaud the positive message of a smiley face – so rock on, brother.
Finally, I find a good face plant photo for my other post. But these body painting photos are so bizarre, I just had to share them with you. (And since they’re posted on Google Images, I guess these fine folks are happy to share their artistic expression with everyone!) And honestly, I’m impressed with their bold joie de vivre! Hat’s off to you! (Or bra’s off, as the case may be.)
Meanwhile, I’m a little worried that you might think I’m obsessed with boobs (I am) since I’ve previously posted about my brilliant invention to corral those wily puppies – and I’ve posted about the time my boob was trapped mid-mammogram when a fire broke out – and now I’m regaling you with photos of painted ta-tas today –
But hey, EVERYONE loves boobies!
And the more colorful and fun — the better!
Even grandmas want in on the Painted Cha-Chas:
Swing looow, sweet bosom, swing looow…
— Darcy Perdu
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(How many cocktails would YOU need to chug to Paint Your Boobs and Parade Around Town? WHAT would you paint them? Get creative, people! Which is your favorite photo above – for creativity, humor, or artistic talent?)