Biker Beauty?

So then…I swoop down the hill on my bike, zipping through the bike path at Mason Park, and just as I gracefully glide around a massive oak tree, I see him again. My lips can’t help curving into a smile as I recognize the sleek blue car with the attractive dark-haired guy behind the wheel glancing at me admiringly.

And why shouldn’t he? I ain’t no supermodel, but damn, I’m looking good! Birthin’ two babies in the past couple years sent my body weight careening into Orson Wellsian proportions, so I frantically adopted the advice of every weight-loss guru since the beginning of time: “Eat Less, Move More.”

I’m pretty proud to reach my pre-pregnancy weight (minus 5 lbs), so yes, I am wearing a bikini top with tight little biker shorts. And my daily bike rides in the California sun have tanned my long limbs a lovely warm brown. So I’m a little flattered that Sleek Blue Car Guy has driven past me a few times at the park.

As I’m loading my bike onto the back of my car, he drives over and says, “Hey, you’re pretty cute. Do you have a boyfriend?”

Suddenly I flashback to another guy who said the exact same thing to me a few years ago at this very park. I hadn’t had kids yet, but I was married, so when a fellow bike rider stopped me to say, “Hey, you’re pretty cute. Do you have a boyfriend?” I said, “Oh, not only do I have a boyfriend — I have a husband!” (I meant that a husband was even more serious than a boyfriend, so I really couldn’t go out with Nice Bike Rider guy.) But the guy jokingly interpreted it that I had BOTH a boyfriend AND a husband, so he laughed and said, “Oh, well, you must be really busy – I guess you don’t have time for me too?” And we both laughed and waved and rode our separate ways into the sunset – him feeling proud of his witty remark – and me feeling flattered to have attracted his interest in the first place.

So now, as I’m faced with a similar situation – and in fact, the same question, I smile and cleverly say, “Oh, not only do I have a boyfriend — I have a husband – and two kids!”

The car guy looks at me, frowns, and says, “Jeez, I didn’t ask for your whole life story.”

And he speeds off.

Oh.My.God.

I stand here totally deflated.

I was trying to reject him in a graceful, witty way – and he rejected me!! Instead of feeling flattered, now I’m feeling guilty that I bored him with my verbose personal history!

But I mean really, I only said 15 words! Was I really imposing on his time so much as I conveyed my “whole life story?” I want to yell at his receding bumper, “YOU stalked ME for half an hour, you jerk!”

I turn to my car and pull the last strap in place for my bike. I console myself with the thought that Car Guy was probably just looking for naïve women to fall for his line so he could sell them into the Serbian sex slave trade.

In which case, I’m glad I’m married and have two kids. I don’t even like baklava.

So there.

— Darcy Perdu

(Heard any good pick-up lines? Any gentle rejections? Share your stories of first meetings or awkward over-sharing in the Comments Section!)

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4 replies on “Biker Beauty?

  1. OMG, That is funny. He just couldn’t take a joke and felt he probably couldn’t keep up with the competition. lol.

  2. Judy said:

    Dude, he was wrong. It is terribly pertinent info that you have a hubby, a boyfriend, and two kids (you forgot to mention the man-hating rottweiler). He needed to know that info before engaging you in a wild, torrid affair, because you and he could be passionately groping each other’s body parts in the living room and stumble across the boyfriend dusting the furniture and that would be totally awkward. Then once you moved into the kitchen, there would be hubby keeping an eye on the dinner simmering on the stove while sharpening his knife collection and again… AWKWARD. Then just as the throes of passion brought you and he to the bedroom, he’d trip on some stuffed animals and twist his ankle. It would totally kill the mood. He needed to know this info before signing on. So he was wrong to reject you in such a harsh manner.

    Or he wanted your boyfriend’s phone number because he bats for that team.

  3. The first guy, the biker, was pretty cool and had a good, pleasant, amusing come-back line. The guy in the car was lazy and good-for-nothing. He was too lazy to have good lines. His lines were not creative or funny. Both pre- and post- approach lines were just damned stupid. I know you’re probably not predisposed to violence, but if you could fit your bicycle with a simple clamp that would securely hold a short-handled stone ax head, you could ease up on guys like the lazy one and gently tap him between the eyes with the flat side of the ax so as not to kill him, but to inflict a large black bruise right above his nose. I call this the DBI educational system. DBI stands for Dumb Bastard Indoctrination.