So then…she politely avoids eye contact as she grabs my left breast and plops it on the plate. She yanks my left arm almost out of its socket and drapes it up, then angles it awkwardly around the giant metal mammogram machine so that she can take a picture.
(I imagine that this is what prom pictures will look like in the future – topless girls with their arms around their transformers-robot dates.)
The technician rotates the plate a bit, then she flattens my cantaloupe to a crepe.
“Don’t breathe,” she instructs, then steps behind the shield to press the xray button.
I hear the whir of the xray picture, then she says, “Oh!” and darts from the room!
‘Oh?’
What does she mean: ‘Oh?’
Was she talking about my xray?
Was that a dismayed ‘Oh’ like ‘Oh, this is dreadful, we have to chop this puppy off!’
Or was it more of a surprised ‘Oh’ like ‘Oh, how odd – how did that diamond ring get in that boob?’
However, I imagine if I had accidentally swallowed a diamond ring, it would probably end up in my stomach, and not my left breast. But who knows? Stranger things have happened.
How would they get it out, I wonder? What if they damaged the breast in the process? Well, I suppose I could just sell the diamond ring to buy a new breast. A perky one. But then I’d have to get the other one to match. It’s too awkward to have one perky and the other one swinging.
It’s at this time I wonder if it’s ok for me to breathe again.
I look toward the door which has a little window, but I can’t see anything.
The technician has still not returned.
I reach my free hand up to see if I can somehow release the lever that has my boobie in its excruciatingly painful grip – but no luck.
Where the hell did she go?
I wait and wait and wait. And wait some more.
Finally she returns. I ask, “What happened!?”
She replies nonchalantly — and with a dismissive wave toward the hall – “Oh, there was just a small fire out there.” And then she goes about swapping my left boob for the right boob in her torture chamber.
WHAT?
There was just a small WHAT out there? A fire?
And she left me in here, literally trapped in this machine? I’m not familiar with emergency medical procedure, but I’m pretty sure “In case of fire, release boobies” has got to be near the top of the list!
What if the small fire had turned into a BIG fire and she had to evacuate? What about half-naked me, with my breast in a vise? If I couldn’t release the lever, would I have to flee and leave my breast behind? How could I? I’ve grown attached to that breast. AND it might have a diamond ring inside it, for Pete’s sake!
I am working myself up into quite a state until I realize that if the fire had become larger, then big strapping rugged firefighters would have shown up to save the day. And being caught as a half-naked damsel in distress would be a memorable way to meet a potential date.
I can just hear him telling our grandkids how we met: “Fire and smoke everywhere – but your brave topless Grammy was grinning from ear to ear as we rescued her — cantaloupe and crepe and all.”
(Any topless stories to share? Mammograms, firefighters, or odd behavior from medical staff? Share it in the Comments Section!)
And P.S. – if you haven’t had your annual mammogram yet, book your appointment today! Or contact this guy:
At one visit, the release mechanism failed on me, and I was trapped. No fire, but the crepe and I were unhappy. And this was the first side. Shall I tell you I was reluctant to try for a matching pair?
You forgot some adjectives in the first paragraph before the word “plate”. Adjectives like “cold” and “hard” or perhaps “designed by a man”. . .
A Comma for Your Thoughts
First week in a new corporate job. New boss is funny, perky, southern belle. I’m a young Black man trying to make it in a big time company.
Perky is reviewing my first attempt at corporate communication…nose scrunched, red pen poised.
“Honey”, Perky begins, “this is good…”(pause) “and I know ya’ll grew up in Harlem, but I’ve gotta tell you, commas are free, no cost at all.”
We pause, our eyes meet and then we both burst out laughing. Point made, ice is broken and a business relationship blooms into a friendship.
So then… I was just getting into the swing of the electric breast pump, marveling at how it turned my nipple into the world’s longest ear plug when my husband, the Dimple, decided to show off his snazzy work-to-home webcam so his work colleagues could all marvel at his new son. The webcam usually looked towards the crib and usually I remembered that, but as I had not had more than two hours consecutive sleep for a month, I had the webcam accidentally facing me. And my breast. Unfortunately the Dimple, being all Viking about it, had invited the only other guy in the office to marvel at his wondrous offspring and could not hit ESCAPE fast enough when it wasn’t our strapping baby boy that popped onto the screen but the world’s longest ear plug. Apparently we put the poor guy off breeding for years.
Angela — absolutely hilarious! And perhaps the beginning of a new home-based webcam business… — Darcy
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So then…. Aunt Dolly and Uncle Ed had taken a sip or two of champagne to celebrate their fortieth anniversary but not being big drinkers, she went to put the bottle away and as she pushed the cork back into the bottle, the bottle took a breath, as they are want to do. She was holding it close to her breast and as the bottle sucked the cork back into place her nipple went with it. She was in great pain but the fire department sent a truck out and the firemen kept straight faces as they gingerly broke the offending glass with a hammer.
So you see, the firemen could have saved you without embarrassing you. If they failed you could have stoked up that weird imagination of yours and done a topless waltz out the front door with your bare arms wrapped around the old transformer-prom date robot.
Ben Swilley recently posted..Dubious Health Tips `#7 – Self Preservation – Practice Lyming
Ben, what a hysterical visual! Her nipple was sucked into the wine bottle? Was your Aunt naked at the time? Wait, don’t tell me — perhaps it’s best not to visualize that! Thanks for sharing the story!
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So I have yet to have my boobies squished BUT I did date a really hot fireman once! Our first date happened the night after the biggest blizzard the east coast had seen in over 20 years! I thought we were going to have to cancel and was utterly beside myself — I mean did I mention the guy was H-O-T!!! lol Anyway he calls and says no problem. I have a big truck with a plow on it and I will pick you up! We plan to go have a nice dinner, nope SOL –there too all the restaurants were closed due to the snow. We went back to his house and had one of THE MOST MEMORABLE nights of my life….
OK, officially jealous of you!
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So then… I was at a doctor (unfortunately not my doctor) and had a mammogram, all good! Well, not so good, because he told me that I should have to re-take it cos the image wasn’t “clear” enough..?! I took the friggin mammogram 3 times only to realize that since I was only 22, was a size 40C and my nipples were staring at God, the images were not clear enough for Penthouse Magazine and the dude had probably hidden cameras all over the place.
Now that I’m 38, had 2 kids, and my boobs have chit chats with my belly button — I strongly believe I am safe for mammograms and the images will be clear!
BTW, GK Adams sent me here (http://www.funnylifestories.com/2013/06/04/so-then/) and oh my God how I love her for that!
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