Tiny Bite-Size Funny True Stories

So then…I figure your holidays are so hectic and alcohol-fueled, you probably only have time for some VERY SHORT funny stories, so I compiled:

THE BEST OF THE BEST
OF THE SHORTEST
SO THEN STORIES

Some of these sparkly little gems will probably be NEW to you — and they’re less than 400 words each — so gobble them up quickly, and rage on with your fabulous holiday shenanigans!

Click here for How to Shock Everyone during your Wedding Vows:

How to Shock Everyone During Your Wedding Vows #funny #wedding #vows #bride #groom #humor #marriage

Click here for Human Head Found Where?
This news article is cracking me up - look how they describe this bizarre event! #funny #strange #humor

Click here for
What is Mark Hiding?

What is Mark hiding? Mark: Why do you ask? (Hmm, methinks he doth protest too much...) #funny
Click here for Um…is She Hitting on Me?

Boom-Chicka-Wow-Wow!  Is She HITTING on Me?  #funny #treadmill #stairs #humor

Click here for Vaginas on Parade:

Vaginas on Parade!  #funny #parade #holiday #humor

If you enjoy these posts, please consider subscribing by email since Facebook is changing their algorithm again, so you probably won’t see my posts there even if you follow So Then Stories FB page!

Subscribe HERE for a couple FUNNY new posts per week!

Thanks and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

— Darcy Perdu

(Do you have any funny stories to share about weddings, day drinking, musical-treadmilling, human heads, or Vagina Parades?!)

Tiny Bite-Size Funny True Stories - Deliciously Funny! @sothenstories

Elf on the Shelf Narcs on MOM!

Ellington, Elf on the Shelf, turns his tattle-tale focus on MOM this Christmas -- and you won't BELIEVE what he's tellin' Santa!  #funny #sexy #Christmas @SoThenStories

So then…I wake up at 3 am to the sound of click-clacking. I pop downstairs, peer round the corner, and see two tiny red felt feet scurry out of sight. My laptop screen is glowing, so I cross the room, lean in…and what to my wondering eyes should appear – but EMAILS from Ellington, our Elf on the Shelf, to SANTA!

Hey Santa,
Ellington the Elf here, reporting from the Perdu household! My vertigo’s still acting up, so rather than fly back and forth to the North Pole, I’ll just email you my reports!

Day 1
So excited to meet my new family, Darcy (Mom) and David (Dad) and their darling kids, Tucker, age 8, and Chloe, age 5. I’ll be on the lookout for any naughty or nice behavior to report back to you!

Day 2
Look, Santa, I don’t want to tell you your business, but the naughty ones in this house are NOT the kids. Oh sure, they bicker and whine a bit, with the occasional fib – but the one I REALLY need to keep an eye on is the Mom!

When she made breakfast this morning, the Dad asked, “Are these real eggs and bacon?” “Of course,” she replied. Nope. Egg Beaters and Turkey Bacon. He asked for regular coffee and she snuck in Decaf. For dinner, she assured the kids she served “real” hamburgers. Nope. Veggie Burgers. So she’s a liar. Maybe for a good cause – but still – a liar.

Day 3
When the class mom called for volunteers to collate papers at school today, Darcy, the Mom, said she couldn’t because she had a “doctor’s appointment.”

Then she watched the Dr. Oz show on the DVR. That is NOT an appointment.

Day 4
She straight up lied to the kids today on the way home from school. There’s no way Chuck E Cheese, Toys R Us, AND Game Stop are ALL closed for renovations.

Plus she gossiped at great length with her friend about Mrs. Kobar, one of Chloe’s teachers who’s allegedly very short-tempered and cancels recess when the kids are rowdy.

Day 5
While watching TV tonight she passed gas with such a foul stench, I had to gasp for air. She blamed the dog.

They do not even HAVE a dog.

Day 6
She tells the kids never to swear, but when she was alone on the freeway today, she let loose a string of expletives that would make a sailor blush. Honestly, Santa, I cannot even TYPE them for fear my hands will go straight to hell. Omigod, now she has ME swearing! She’s corrupting me, Santa!

Day 7
The Mom does do lots of nice stuff with the kids. She helps with homework, makes crafts with them, and plays silly games.

But tonight when she was baking cookies with Chloe for teacher gifts, I noticed she set aside all the misshapen, over-cooked ones for Mrs. Kobar.

Day 8
She’s not terribly organized. Before bedtime tonight, when Chloe suggested pulling out her old 1,001 Deluxe Bead Craft Kit and Tucker requested his 99 Paints & Goop Set, the Mom said she couldn’t find them in the toy closet. I suspect foul play.

Day 9
The neighborhood association called today for volunteers to deliver ballots door-to-door, but she said she had a “doctor’s appointment.”

Yep, you guessed – Dr. Phil on DVR. And the irony? The episode was “Nasty Neighbors” about residents who sue, sully, or sex each other up! It was scandalous and provocative! Honestly, after the third time, I could hardly watch it anymore.

Day 10
While rummaging in the closet for wrapping paper, she found the fancy toiletry bag-shaving kit she bought her husband last Christmas. It had never been used! She uttered some profanity and was about to bring it downstairs to confront him – but then she smiled, dusted it off, and wrapped it to give him THIS year!

Day 11
A new low. She stole quarters from Tucker’s piggy bank for the parking meter in front of the manicure place.

(And that polish is too pink for her skin tone. I’m just saying.)

Day 12
Possible redemption? She donated 3 bags of items to Goodwill today!

But guess what’s in the first bag? Yep! Chloe’s 1,001 Bead Craft Kit and Tucker’s 99 Paints & Goop Set!

Day 13
When her husband asked about his DVR recordings, she innocently said, “Oh, I don’t know how your golf tournaments got deleted.”

I know how, Santa. And I know WHO. Her head’s tilting accusingly toward the kids, but we all know who’s deleting shows to make room for Scandal and Outlander!

Day 14
She told a telemarketer she couldn’t talk on the phone because she had to go walk the dog. Still no dog, Santa.  NO DOG.

She works from home so she has lots of conference calls. The other people on the line think she’s studying the spreadsheets when she’s saying “yes, good point” and “mm-hmm” but she’s really reading Facebook updates!

Day 15
When her family mentioned they’re running out of clean clothes, she said she’d planned to do laundry last night but got sidetracked by other “important things.” I’m no detective, Santa, but that empty bottle of red wine might be a clue.

Day 16
Whenever her husband asks what she wants for Christmas, she smiles and says she has everything she needs: a loving family and a lovely home; she just wants everyone to have a happy, healthy holiday. But then she turns up the volume on all the jewelry commercials – and leaves catalogs lying around, open to pages showing beautiful tennis bracelets. She does not even PLAY tennis, Santa!

Day 17
When Tucker yelled downstairs that he’d accidentally knocked over all his Legos for the 4th time today, she hid in the pantry eating Oreos until her husband went up to clean up the mess. She was giggling, Santa. GIGGLING!

Day 18
Her friend tried to make her join her for a Zumba class, but she said she had a “doctor’s appointment.”

She watched GREY’S ANATOMY on NETFLIX. Oh come on! She’s not even trying anymore. Those aren’t even REAL doctors! Have you no shame, woman?

Day 19
Darcy called the relatives today about Christmas Eve dinner at her house. She “confided” in Aunt Bernice that Darcy’s sister Della really doesn’t care for Aunt Bernice’s jello fruit salad and could she please bring Brown Sugar Sweet Potatoes instead.

Then she “confided” in Auntie Fran that Della made some uncomplimentary remarks about Auntie Fran’s zucchini bread loaf, so could she please bring Brown Sugar Sweet Potatoes instead. Della said no such things!

Day 20
The kids rarely fight, but tonight I think the Mom and Dad got into a huge fight after drinking some after-dinner wine! They went right to their bedroom and locked the door – played music to cover the sounds, I guess, but I could hear them wrestling and moaning and exclaiming, “Oh God, Oh God!” I think they even knocked over a lamp!

Day 21
The gift she brought for today’s Book Club Secret Santa exchange looks suspiciously like the one she received at last week’s Neighborhood Secret Santa exchange! Regifting alert!

Day 22
When the kids asked for dessert, she swore there was no ice cream left. As soon as the kids were asleep, she opened a bag of frozen peas that concealed a pint of Ben & Jerry’s!

Day 23
She sang lots of Christmas Carols with the kids while seeing the lights on Candy Cane Lane tonight. But after 9 renditions of “Let It Go,” she claimed she couldn’t remember the words anymore. How does THAT happen?

Day 24
About 18 relatives came to Christmas Eve dinner at the Perdu house. I’m actually impressed — she’s been cooking all day; the house is decorated; the gifts are wrapped.

Aunt Bernice and Auntie Fran gave a bewildered Della the stink eye. Darcy just smiled sweetly and shoveled in some more Brown Sugar Sweet Potatoes.

At the Christmas Eve dinner, she loudly let one rip and exclaimed, “Tucker!” Tucker protested his innocence while the adults shook their heads and the kids giggled. Tucker laughed too — but Santa, you and I both know who’s passin’ Brown-Sugar-scented gas tonight!

After dinner when it was time for clean-up, she told her husband she had “digestion difficulties” and was going to use the upstairs bathroom for privacy.

But while the relatives were cleaning the kitchen downstairs, she went upstairs to her bedroom instead! She locked the door, pulled out some book about colors – something about shades of grey? – and reached for some kind of strange magic wand — and you’re NOT gonna BELIEVE where she PUT the–

OH NO, she saw me! I’ve got to skedaddle lickety-split. More later, Santa!

–Ellington the Elf

I narrow my eyes. That little son-of-a…

With arched brow, and malice on my mind, I coaxingly call out, “Oh, Ellington? Little Elfie, where are youuu?”

–Darcy Perdu

If you enjoyed this post, you can receive NEW funny posts by subscribing HERE!  I LOVE SUBSCRIBERS!

All posts on So Then Stories are true, with only the names changed – except THIS post which is completely fiction. I mean, come on, y’all – you know I never pass wind! Ne-vah!

(If Elf on the Shelf reports YOUR naughty behavior to Santa, what would the report say?)

Hey, Remember That Time We…

So then…we wake the kids by bellowing, “Dizzz-neee-laaaaaaand!”

8:00 am

Remember 180 8 am

They pop right out of bed, super excited to return to their favorite place. Chloe, age 5, and Tucker, age 8, get dressed and hustle downstairs for breakfast.

We live in LA, so it’s only 1.5 hours to drive to Anaheim to Disneyland. We pack up the minivan, ensuring our backpack contains all 832 essentials for surviving a long day at the park – and off we go!

9:00 am

Remember 900 new black new 180 180

We’re zipping along the 101 Freeway.

Zip! Zip! Zip!
Zap! Zaaaap. Zaaaaaap.
Zerp.
STOP.

What the hell?

We were careening down this freeway, and now we’ve STOPPED DEAD, smack dab in the middle of a 6-lane gridlock, with cars stretching as far as the eye can see.

How did this happen so fast? It’s like someone sent a mass group text to every driver in California with an urgent message: “Hop in car! Rush to 101 Freeway! Surround the Perdu Family Vehicle. Ensure no escape!”

And BAM!
EVERYBODY WHO HAS EVER LIVED IN CALIFORNIA IS NOW ON THE FREEWAY WITH US!

David and I slowly turn our heads to look at each other.

His eyes say: “Let’s cut our losses, go home, and watch football.”

My eyes say, “Yes! Abort! Abort the mission! Turn around and go home!”

Then we turn to look at Tucker and Chloe in the back seat happily chatting about which Disneyland rides they’re most excited about riding.

We slowly turn back to look at each other.

Now my eyes say beseechingly, “We must go! Look how excited they are!”

His eyes say, “Football.”

“No, David, we have to keep going,” I say out loud. “It’s just a little traffic! It’ll be fine.”

9:30 am

Remember 180 930 am

He agrees – but it’s quickly evident that the 1.5 hour trip’s going to be a 3 hour trip.

Unspoken tensions are running high – but with each mile, it seems crazy to turn back – so we push valiantly onward.

We hit the parking lot, which is bulging with cars. Honestly, did EVERYONE decide to go to Disneyland today?

12:30 pm

Remember 180 1230 blue clock

After an excruciating hunt for a parking spot, we finally disembark the car to find the shuttle to take us to the park.

We wait an hour for the shuttle.

Let’s say that again just so we fully appreciate the agony of standing there after a long car ride:

We wait an hour for the shuttle.

Finally! We hop aboard and head to the entrance.

I’m overly cheerful to compensate for the flagging spirits of my crew. Grinning broadly, I say, “Won’t this be fun!? We had a little bit of a late start, but now we’re here and we’re gonna have a blast!”

1:30 pm

Remember 180 130 pm

The shuttle drops us off at the entrance, which is obscured by engorged lines of people snaking out in all directions.
Just as we approach, the intercom announces, “I’m sorry, folks, Disneyland is full. No more entries today.”

Full?

FULL?

What do you mean Disneyland is FULL?

We just spent 4 hours to get here! And what about all the people who FLEW to get here? And all the people who saved for months for this trip to pay for your stupid crappy $6 hot dogs and $16 Mickey hats! How dare you shutter your doors!? What about the children? What…about…sob…the childrennnnnn?

(I’m in full meltdown mode — but my kids are actually taking the disappointment pretty well. David is another matter altogether. I can actually see him squeezing his eyes shut and concentrating fiercely — trying desperately to time travel back to that point on the freeway when we could’ve abandoned the mission and returned home.)

“I’m hungry,” says Chloe.

“Me too,” says Tucker.

I’m starving.

David and I look to the left. Literally thousands of dejected people are leaving the park entrance to line up for the shuttles.

We look to the right. Thousands more are walking to the souvenir shops and restaurants just outside Disneyland.

We look at the backpack. Its snacks were depleted long ago on our long-ass car ride.

We look at the children. They appear edible.

That will solve everything. I will eat my children.

They will satisfy my hunger and I won’t have to deal with their disappointment about missing Disneyland.

I’m just about to explain my plan to David when he points toward the shops and restaurants.

“It’ll take us hours to get back to our car and find someplace to eat, so we might as well line up over here,” he says.

We reluctantly join the huddled masses, yearning to be fed – shuffling from restaurant to restaurant looking for a line that looks to be less than a 2-hour wait.

3:30 pm

Remember 330 brown

Out of desperation, we finally settle on a pizza place which is so packed we have to eat our cold cheese slices standing up between hordes of other families standing up, eating their cold cheese slices.

All the adults look a bit dazed. Like, “How did this happen?” We all expected a spectacular day at the Magic Kingdom — and now we’re standing in line for almost 2 hours just to get a slice of crappy pizza.

Then we trudge back to the shuttle line, wait an hour and a half, walk a million miles to our car, then drive with 4 billion people on the freeway through rush hour traffic, and finally reach home where we collapse – as exhausted as though we’d just climbed the Himalayas.

9:00 pm

Remenber 180 900 green new

Our roundtrip is 12 agonizing hours.

We promise the kids we’ll return to Disneyland soon – and we do – and it’s wonderful and glorious and all the things it’s supposed to be.

As for today? Well, today is the day we refer to as:

“Hey, remember that time we drove 12 hours for pizza? Ah. Good times. Good times.”

— Darcy Perdu

If you enjoyed this post, you can receive NEW funny posts by subscribing HERE!
I LOVE SUBSCRIBERS!

(Do you have an example of a “Hey, remember that time we…” experience? Something fun that ended up NOT so fun?  Ever show up someplace that was “full” or “closed?”)

Ah, good times (NOT!) - hilarious true tale of a trip gone awry #funny #Disney

myCharge Holiday Banner (2)
Exciting News from myCharge!

myCharge is known for their on-the-go power, and their portable extended battery accessories are designed to make sure that your favorite devices are always fully charged and ready to go! This holiday season they’re spreading cheer – and portable power – by offering to send one of their awesome portable charging devices to their Twitter followers at @myChargePower just for RT’ing a tweet for their #myChargeCheer campaign! Visit their Twitter page, RT this Tweet and myCharge will send you a totally free, no strings attached portable charger! Tell your friends and spread the #myChargeCheer this holiday season!

myCharge Always Charged. Always Connected. Always in Style 2 (2)

In Case of Fire, Flood, or Zombies, Which PRIZED POSSESSION Would You Save?

Quick!  Zombies are coming!  Tornado's headed to your house!  Flames are leaping, locusts are swarming!  What's the 1 ridiculous THING you save? #funny #disaster #zombies #cooking #humor

So then…the news article clearly states that, in case of emergency, we should flee the house ONLY with our humans and pets – NO material possessions.

Oh, sure, that sounds reasonable. But who’re we kiddin’ here? We all know we’re going to grab at least ONE prized possession.

So what’s it going to be for you?

Perhaps something SENTIMENTAL – like that hand-made quilt your great-grandmother crocheted at that Siberian refugee camp?

Or something SIGNIFICANT – like that coveted first place trophy you won in the state skiing tournament after recuperating from a nasty bout of scurvy?

Or something SPECIAL – like that rare first edition book you bought to celebrate making your first million after working your way through college as a stripper?

For me, it’s this bowl.

In Case - Bowl 429

This Orange Bowl.

This Orange Bowl is the most special, sentimental, significant material possession I own.

In case of fire, flood, or earthquake, I’m seizing the family, the photos, and this bowl.

Why?

Because I love this bowl. It’s irreplaceable.

There’s no other bowl in the world like it – and believe me, I’ve looked.

(Shhh, shhh, Orange Bowl, don’t get jealous – I’m not TRYING to replace you – I’m just checking out back-ups in case you meet a (sob) untimely demise.)

I bought this bowl about 83 million years ago from Tupperware, which has long-since discontinued it. And no other company makes one JUST like it.

Other bowls are too thin/too small/too big – or the shape is wrong – or they scoot around when you’re using the electric mixer.

My Orange Bowl is made of a strong plastic – thick and sturdy – with just the right heft to it. It is substantial. (If my bowl were an actress, it would be Meryl Streep. No Kristen Stewarts or Megan Foxes here. Just solid, outstanding, substantial Meryl Streep.)

I’m a baker (not by trade, just by passion) — so this bowl cradles all the ingredients for my cookies, cakes, brownies, and pies.

In Case - Recipe 429

It’s just the right size, height, and diameter for all my recipes.

It’s perfect for all my whisking & electric-mixing & batter-taste-testing!

It’s an irrefutable fact that recipes prepared in my other bowls simply DO NOT TASTE AS DELICIOUS as when they’re prepared in my ORANGE BOWL.

It also doubles as a mashed potato mashing bowl.

In Case - Size 429

And really, how more sentimental can you get than an item that holds the warm, loving memories of baked goods and mashed potatoes?

I guard this bowl religiously. It’s endured 47 million moves from state to state, home to home. It even survived a nasty altercation with an overly-aggressive scorching hot pot that left a mark on my poor baby.  It was clearly the pot’s fault.

In Case - Mark on Bowl with Arrows Final 429

Years ago, when one of the kids was very sick, David hastily grabbed the Orange Bowl from the cabinet to serve as a vomit-catcher.

A…VOMIT…CATCHER.

As he approached the child, I slow-motion-screamed “Nooooooooo!” as I slow-motion-ran toward him to knock the bowl from his hands!

“There are basins for vomit! BASINS! They’re under the sink! Not my bowl! Not my ORANGE BOOOOOOOOOWL!”

Both child and husband looked at me like I’d lost all sense of priority.

I cared not.

They took the basin — and I scuttled to the other room, cradling that Orange Bowl, caressing it and whispering, “My precious, my precious.”

So when the flames leap to the house – or the earth begins to shake – or the Apocalyptic Zombies shuffle toward our brains, I’ll grab my family, my photos, and my Orange Bowl.

What will YOU grab?

OK, out with it. I know you have that one thing, as inconsequential as it might seem to everyone else – you just gotta have it!

My Mom recently offered a $20 reward to anyone who could find her 99₵ pickle jar opener she lost in the move because IT IS THE ONLY EFFECTIVE PICKLE JAR OPENER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD! She went on and on about it for days!

We’d be unpacking and say things like, “Hey, here’s the box with Grammy’s silver!” “Oh, look, Dad’s Air Force medals.” “Here are the albums of baby pics of your five kids!”

And she’d say, “What about my pickle jar opener? Did you find that yet? I really need that pickle jar opener.”

I was like, “Geez, Mom, calm down, how MANY pickle jars are you OPENING anyway?”

Apparently even ONE without that spectacular thin little rubber mat pickle jar opener is ONE TOO MANY. Thank God, my niece found it at the bottom of a closet and the world has been restored to order.

So friends, we know in times of catastrophe, of course you’ll save your kids, pets, plants, loved ones, blah, blah, blah –

But what else do you hope to save? What’s YOUR Orange Bowl or YOUR Pickle Jar Opener?

— Darcy Perdu

If you enjoyed this post, you can receive NEW funny posts by subscribing HERE!
I LOVE SUBSCRIBERS!

(Quick! The Zombies are coming! The tornado is whipping toward your house! Flames are leaping, locusts are swarming! What do YOU grab?)

The Shitastrophy

So excited that my friend Alyson who writes the hilarious blog The Shitastrophy is posting one of my stories on her site today!  So if you pop over there to read my post, An Awkward Intercourse, please stick around to read some of Alyson’s funny posts like:

The Brazilian Wax from Hell

Top Stupid Boy Names

Check her out to see why her life is just one hilarious Shitastrophy after the next!