When the Toddler Rats Out the Nanny — It IS Pretty Funny!

Uh-Oh! When the Toddler Rats Out the Nanny, It IS Pretty Funny!  #kids #nanny #humor

So then…David parks the minivan in the carnival parking lot, removes the key from the ignition, and pops the trunk.

I unbuckle our son Tucker, age 2 and a half, then join David at the back so we can grab the stroller and bag.

Tucker climbs into the driver’s seat and pretends to “drive.”

He waves to us and says, “Look everybody! I’m Remy!” (Remy’s our nanny.)

And with that, he puts one hand on the steering wheel, beeps the horn loudly, and shouts in a Hispanic accent, “Hey, HEY, STUPIDO!” Then he collapses into giggles.

David and I look at each other…

pause…

then burst into laughter.

We are equal parts delighted that our toddler’s already doing comedic impressions at such a young age –

And equal parts horrified that our nanny’s roadside manner is not as courteous as we had thought.

When hiring our bilingual nanny, (whom we adore because she’s awesome) — we had hoped she might teach our son some Spanish words…but, uh…this isn’t exactly what we had in mind…

— Darcy Perdu

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(Have your kids done funny “impressions” of someone? Or learned any words you wished they hadn’t?)

Like to read another short funny nanny story? This one’s a doozy!

Overalls, Bunny Pajamas, and a Swingers Party!

So then…I’m just sittin’ here, chillin’ with Jen Mann (writer of the uber-popular blog People I Want to Punch in the Throat and best-selling author with over 600,000 devoted fans on two Facebook pages.)

What’s that you say? — “Pics or it didn’t happen.”

BAM!

Jen Mann & Darcy Perdu

There’s your pic right there!  Jen Mann & Darcy Perdu!

We met at the awesome Blog U Conference and now we’re cyber pals!

Blog U Cupcakes

I even have a witness that I met Jen Mann.

See? There’s funny Foxy from Foxy Wine Pocket right there!

Jen Mann (PIWTPITT), Darcy Perdu (So Then Stories), Kelly Fox (Foxy Wine Pocket)

Hmm.

Does it say something about Jen that no one wants to be seen in public with her?

Yes. Yes, it does!

It says she’s a wildly unpredictable hilarious woman – and you have NO IDEA what trouble she’s going to get into next!

For example — shenanigans from Jen’s REAL life include:

Accidentally attending a co-worker’s “SWINGERS” party

Challenging the arrogant leader of a playgroup clique

Freaking out when the principal asks her to join him inside the school (the day she’s wearing FUZZY BUNNY PAJAMAS in carpool line)

Offending the entire registration line of summer-camp-obsessed Stepford moms

Impressing her first date in NYC by wearing OVERALLS (yeah, you heard me)

Dispatching power-hungry PTA moms and unscrupulous garage sale tightwads

Voicing candid opinions at her friend’s home shopping party – for kinky sex toys

Jen shares all these hysterical true stories (and more) in her new book: People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges.

People I Want To Punch In The Throat

As I read Jen’s book on the airplane on a recent Vegas trip, I laughed, chortled, giggled, and snorted.

At one point, I gasp-laughed so loudly, my teen daughter Chloe said “Mom! Shhh! MOM, SHHH! OhMyGod! You are SO embarrassing!”

As I collapsed helplessly into a fit of giggles, she quickly averted her body and pretended not to know me.

Much later, at the hotel, she asked me, “What had you in such hysterics on the plane?”

I read her that passage from the book and she gasp-laughed as loudly as I did! As we both laughed with tears in our eyes, she nodded and said, “OK, OK, I agree – THAT.IS.HILARIOUS!”

ABC agrees too!

The ABC News review says, “Wise-cracking blogger doesn’t pull punches…in her hilarious new memoir.  A talented humorist, Mann doesn’t shy away from tough topics, including political correctness and racism. She’s like the acerbic, smart chick who sits with the rebels and misfits in the high school cafeteria, making fun of the preppie kids at the popular table. She loves to present herself as the underdog, but despite her throat-punching bravado, her fundamental theme is self-acceptance.”

You can read more great reviews on Amazon, Goodreads, and other media outlets here.

So if you’re ready for some LITERAL laugh-out-loud laughs, click HERE to pick up a copy for you – and a couple more for gift-giving season!  You’ll love it!

Enjoy!

— Darcy Perdu

Jenn Mann - People I Want To Punch In The Throat Book

Clown Butlers, Topless Nuns & Free Hugs!

So then…I pull my kid out of school for a couple days and hop a flight to Vegas for a concert of her favorite band.

Vegas Sign 429
Yep, I’m that kind of mom.

The kind that believes in the importance of school –

but also thinks kids deserve an occasional exciting adventure!

And lest you worry about her educational welfare — rest assured Chloe’s a straight A student who takes her academic career so seriously, she writes her AP World History notecards on the flight there!

Vegas WHAP Cards 429

So we meet up with two of her friends and their moms in Vegas to see the R5 band perform.

Vegas Girls at Concert Incognito

Second row, center, baby! And of course I spring for the extra bucks for the Meet & Greet Photo Op.

Vegas R5 and Chloe Icognito

Yep, I’m that kind of mom.

But then again, it IS her 15th birthday. And she LOVES R5.

Vegas Concert 1 Riker & Ross 429

Vegas Concert 2 Rocky 429

In fact, she thinks this MIGHT be my future son-in-law:

Vegas Concert 4 429

Then the next night, we take our daughters to zip-line high above the drunken revelers on rowdy Fremont Street – because –

Vegas Ceiling Fremont Street and Bars 429

Yep, I’m that kind of mom.

While the teens wait in line for the ride, the moms and I position ourselves in the middle of the street so we can photograph our kids as they come zipping across.

We’re treated to an array of colorful characters as we amble down Fremont.

Like these dudes! Do they look like they know how to party – or what? I’d love to hang with these guys!

Vegas Men in Suits 429

We see a tap dancer who appears to have his own Butler Clown.

Vegas Dancer and Clown Butler 429

Showgirls, of course.

Vegas Showgirls 429

Vegas Back of Showgirl 300

Even some Showguys.

Vegas Boy Showgirl 300

This fellow’s really flexible…

Vegas Limbo Man 300

The fellow in red — not so much…

Vegas SuperHeroes 429

But he’s very friendly – look: FREE HUGS!

Vegas Free Hugs on SuperHeroes 429

Bar-top Go-Go Dancers shake what their mama gave ‘em over by the Alcoholic Slushie Machines…

Vegas Go-Go Girl next to Slushies 429

Which you can drink in your very own Fishnet Stocking Beverage Holder with Straw.

Vegas Leg Glasses 429

What are the Bronze Cowboys staring at?

Vegas Bronze Cowboys 300

Oh just a Concert Violinist in a Bikini, of course.

Vegas Violinist Bikini 429

Vegas Violinist Bikini Looking Down 429

Yikes! Things get a little risqué in the Chippendales booth!

Vegas Chippendales 300

Gasp! I hope the NUNS didn’t see that!

Vegas Nuns Back 429

Oh – no worries, they won’t mind — they’re TOPLESS nuns!

Vegas Nuns Side 300

Checking in on the Tap Dancer – yep, his Butler Clown’s still on duty.

Vegas Dancer Still with Butler 429

“Make me some balloon animals, Jeeves!”

“Right away, sir.”

Meanwhile flying high above all this craziness…

Vegas Ceiling Fremont Street 429

Our daughters come zip-lining across the night sky!

Vegas Slotzilla Above 429

We have an absolute blast!

So if you ever want to play hooky from work, just give me a call.

Pull on your favorite outfit,

Vegas Guy in Colorful Bikini Incognito

Grab a Leg o’ Beer,

Vegas Leg Glasses 200

And let’s party it up on Fremont Street!

‘Cuz – yep, I’m that kind of friend!

— Darcy Perdu




For more funny and colorful posts, subscribe right HERE!

(Would you like to have your own Clown Butler? Have you seen some of these fine folks on Fremont Street? Who’s your favorite?)

Did you already meet the “friends” I made at the last concert I attended with Lady Gaga?

Sexual Interrogation?

BOOBIE-trapped -- LITERALLY & Hilariously! True tale when my boob got trapped in...well, you gotta click it to find out! #funny #embarrassing #mammogram #fireman

So then…he looks me over and asks, “Have you had sexual relations with anyone with yellow jaundice or viral hepatitis?”

And I think, Omigod, do I look like someone who’s been doing that? Do I look jaundicy?

“No!” I exclaim defensively.

Now I’m worried he thinks “she doth protest too much” and that I’ve totally been shagging hepatitis-jaundice people all day long.

“Any tattoos or body piercings?” he asks.

“No,” I say, trying to think how I can prove this to him without completely disrobing – and realizing that it would be much easier to prove that one DOES have tattoos (i.e. look at the skull on my ass!) or piercings (i.e. check out my nipple ring!) than to prove one does NOT.

“In the past twelve months, have you had a positive test for syphilis?”

I hesitate. Does he mean “positive” as in – a positive result — like “hooray, I don’t have syphilis!” — or “positive” as in – “damn, I tested positive for syphilis!”

He looks up from his clipboard.

“Nope, no syphilis, nope,” I say quickly.

“In the past 12 months, have you had sex with a male who has had sex, even once, since 1977 with another male?”

Omigod, that’s a lot of pressure. Now I’m responsible for remembering everyone I had sex with – plus everyone THEY had sex with? How would I know? This is the age of the bisexual, the metrosexual, the hypersexual. As far as I know, none of my males had relations with other males, but that phrase “even once” is stressing me out. I’m trying to recall if anyone’s said something like “I experimented a bit in college” — or “one time, at band camp…”

“Ummmm,” I stammer. “I’m not sure. Since 1977, huh? That’s a lot to think about.”

He says, “You don’t have to think of everyone you had sex with since 1977 – just if your recent partners had male relations since 1977. So just think of the people you’ve had sex with in the past 12 months.”

Oh, that narrows it down some.

“Ok, then no.”

He checks off the box on the form and prepares to ask another question.

He’s already asked if I’ve been to Haiti — if I’ve injected drugs by syringe — if I’ve had sex with anyone who’s injected drugs by syringe — while in Haiti.

These are awfully personal questions and I should be incensed by this invasive procedure. I’m just trying to give blood, for God’s sakes. I’m trying to save lives, people! Cut me some slack on the inquisition!

On the other hand, I’m such a people-pleaser, I want to answer all the questions correctly. And I’m so competitive, I want to ace this test and prove that my blood is the best, most pure, most awesome blood they could ever hope to collect today! Super Blood!

He asks, “At any time, have you taken money or drugs in exchange for sex?”

I pause. “Well, I’m married – so does jewelry count?”

***

Fortunately, the Blood Drive tech has a sense of humor.

I pass the test. I give the blood. I get cookies and juice.

And I save lives, people!

— Darcy Perdu

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(Any fun stories to share about your visits to the doctor, hospital, blood bank – or times when you had to share personal info you’d rather keep private? Do tell!)

Power Up, Mamas!

myCharge Giveaway

The awesome team at myCharge would like to offer cool prizes to some lucky winners, so check out their new raffle in this sponsored post!  Then check out the funny story at the end of this post!

The kids are back to school, but Moms know that’s only the beginning! Now that the school year is in full swing, there’s no slowing down. In fact, things can start getting pretty hectic this time of year between your work and your kid’s homework, after-school clubs and sports, music lessons and carpools, birthday parties and play dates…the list goes on and on!

Even the most organized Mom will tell you things can change at the last minute, and Moms of all people can’t afford to run out of power…we mean for your phone or tablet, of course! myCharge knows how important it is for you to stay charged and connected all day – and all school year – long, so they’re giving the gift of portable power so you’re never left in the red!

To keep you charged and connected myCharge is giving 3 lucky winners each an iPad mini with a myCharge HUB 6000 portable charger! The amazingly compact Hub 6000 features built-in cables and connectors for smartphones, tablets, e-readers and more. Get up to 27 hours of additional talk time for your devices, as well as integrated, quick-charge wall prongs. The Hub series is commonly known as the “Swiss Army Knife of portable power devices.

myCharge HUB6000

Additionally, 40 winners will each receive an Energy Shot compact portable charger for their smartphones that delivers an additional boost when you need it most. They come in a variety of styles and can give you up to 10 hours of talk time! (Please note, smart phone not included in giveaway).

myCharge Energy ShotSo Moms, stay out of the red this school year! myCharge is here to keep you charged and connected! For more information on products visit the myCharge website or follow them on Facebook. You can find myCharge products available at retailers such as Target and Kohl’s.

Fill out the entry form below September 15, 2014 – October 15, 2014 for your chance to be one of 40 winners to receive an Energy Shot Charger (10 winners randomly selected each week) and one of 3 grand prize winners randomly selected on October 15, 2014 to receive one iPad Mini with a myCharge HUB 6000 portable charger. Entrants must be at least 18 years of age or older, must live in the United States and have a valid shipping address. See giveaway form for complete list of rules and details.

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This is a sponsored post from myCharge.

You KNOW you’ll need to POWER UP to deal with all the school projects this year — especially when something like THIS happens…CLICK HERE

His Friend’s Mom Gave Us SHOCKING News —

But My Son is Still Oblivious!

International Fair Hearing the News Color Shelly 5.22.13

Most BRILLIANT Craft Fail

Most Brilliant Craft in the History of All Crafts -- but then something goes TERRIBLY awry... #FUNNY #playdate #party #kids #paint #arts&crafts #DIY #humor

So then…I dart around the craft table, setting out supplies in a wild-eyed frenzy.

It’s Group Playdate Prep Time — and I’m a whirling dervish setting up the kids’ activity for the 12 excitable 4-year-olds about to come crashing onto my patio for festive frolicking!

Sweat forms on my upper lip as I ensure I’ve thought of EVERYTHING.

I shall not be like my sweet friend Kim — who innocently packed her son’s adorable cow piñata with those individually-wrapped miniature chocolate bites — then hung the piñata on a backyard tree – 6 hours before the party — on a 102 degree day.

She unknowingly created a veritable cow “crockpot” where those little chocolates simmered and boiled and broiled. By the time the kids had all whacked and thwacked that poor cow, it burst open, spewing melted chocolate all over the place. It was HILARIOUS – to us, of course — but not so much to Kim – especially when her son gleefully yelled, “My piñata’s POOPING!”

And I shall not be like me — when I provided darling little treasure chest craft kits to the kids at the group playdate I hosted last summer. How was I to know the jewels intended for decorating the chests looked like delicious little candies, causing all the moms to hover nervously to ensure no one ingested a ruby or sapphire? A swallowed gem would mean a mom’s on poop patrol to reclaim that little “treasure.”

Nope, this time, I shall prevail. No Poop Patrols. No Pooping Piñatas!

I’ve cleverly purchased white t-shirts (in a variety of sizes!),

NON-toxic fabric paints (in a variety of colors!),

and brushes (in plentiful supply!)

plus stencils of amazing shapes and designs –

and plastic aprons for everyone!

I am “BRILLIANT CRAFT MOM!”

My sweet 4 year old Chloe and her pals have a blast decorating the white t-shirts.

Moms ooh and ahh over the stenciled hearts, flowers, and moons.

Kids painstakingly create intricate designs with many colors.

Moms and kids make adorable HANDPRINTS and stencil their NAMES on their shirts.

This craft is going over fabulously!

I take a moment to bask in my brilliance.

After snacks and games, my playdate guests make their way home, excitedly holding their personalized crafts aloft so the shirts can dry.

A spectacular success!

The next week, Chloe asks, “Can I wear my painted shirt tomorrow?” Sure!

I toss it in the washer, then when the cycle’s done, I pull it out – and the shirt’s completely WHITE.

WHERE THE HELL did the paint go? Where’s the butterfly – the rainbow – the lopsided flowers – the stenciled “Chloe?”

I look in the washing machine. No paint.

So now I have a frikkin’ plain white t-shirt.

I’m holding the thing in complete shock, wondering what I’m gonna tell Chloe.

And then I gasp because I realize that if this happened to OUR shirt – it probably happened to the shirts of our 12 playdate guests!

Oh.My.God. HOW EMBARRASSING!

Did I buy the wrong paint? The wrong shirts?

I Google “fabric paint washed off shirts WTF!” — and see directions about PRE-washing the shirts – ensuring they’re 100% cotton – IRONING the painted designs with wax paper to SET the paint before washing it – and all SORTS of other things that might’ve prevented my DISAPPEARING DESIGN FIASCO.

I explain it all to Chloe and throw myself on the mercy of the court. She’s quickly mollified by a rousing game of hide and seek and 3 Oreos, so the UN-painted shirt is quickly forgotten.

But here’s the odd thing. I don’t receive one phone call or text about the disappearing paint from ANY of the moms who attended the playdate!

So help me solve the mystery:

a) They’ve never WASHED the shirts – they just let their tykes re-wear the painted shirts over and over without cleaning them!

b) Their kid hasn’t WORN the shirt yet, so it’s a little surprise time bomb just waiting to go off as soon as they try to wash it.

c) The moms have ALREADY washed the shirts, discovered the paint disappeared, and are much too polite to ever mention it to me.

c) Mine’s the ONLY shirt that turned white.  (IhopeIhopeIhope)

— Darcy Perdu

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(Any similar disasters at your parties or playdates? Can you solve the mystery of the silent moms?  Give me your best conspiracy theories!)

Welcome to So Then Stories: Hilarious True Tales

Do you enjoy Hilarious True Tales about embarrassing kids, exasperating coworkers, vexing relationships, and the ever-perplexing public?  Then you'll LOVE SoThenStories.com!  Come laugh with us!  #funny #kids #office #husbands #humor

Hey, pull up a bar stool and let’s swap funny stories about our embarrassing kids, exasperating coworkers, vexing relationships, and the ever-perplexing public!  This is where I share my bodacious blunders and hilarious true tales – and invite YOU to share YOUR related experiences – so the laughs just keep rolling!

“Hmm,” you may ask, “Are you really funny?”  Well, not to brag (omg, I’m TOTALLY bragging!), but I won 1st Place in the 2014 Nat. Society of Newspaper Columnists competition (Blog Category under 100,000 monthly visitors) – and I won 2 Humor VOTY Awards at BlogHer in 2013 & 2014.  I was even named Humor Writer of August 2014 by Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop!  Woot! Woot!

So pull up a bar stool and start laughing! 
Click the image below to read now – or PIN for later!

TOTALLY Embarrassed in Front of Dr. Fancypants! HILARIOUS True Tale #doctor #medical #embarrassing #funny #teens

Click the image below to read now – or PIN for later!

Telling His Teacher a Big Fat Juicy Lie!  #funny #boys #teacher #school #humor

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BOOBIE-trapped -- LITERALLY & Hilariously! True tale when my boob got trapped in...well, you gotta click it to find out! #funny #embarrassing #mammogram #fireman

Click the image below to read now – or PIN for later!

Oh, She Did NOT Just Say That! #funny #school #drama #volunteer #pta #pisces #cosmetics #hair #humor

If you enjoy quick hilarious true tales like these, then please pop your email address right HERE so you won’t miss any of my new funny stories!  I LOVE subscribers!

Thanks!  Darcy Perdu

Completely Illogical, Perfectly Hilarious, Coworker Conversation

Completely Illogical, Perfectly Hilarious Coworker Conversation #funny #expenses #office #humor

So then…I open an email from one of the staff, Shelly, asking if she can purchase an item on the company credit card. I click the link and see this:

I email her:
Yes, you can use the company card.
What is the scale for?
We’ll need to note it on the credit card statement.

Shelly emails back:
It will be mainly for mailing purposes.
Thank you.

I reply:
I think it’s funny how you say it’s “mainly” for mailing purposes.
What other purposes are there for a scale of this kind?
Are you starting a meth lab or something?

Shelly does not respond.

This means either:
a) Shelly does not appreciate my sense of humor
or
b) Shelly is starting a meth lab

What do you think?

Speaking of odd expenses – this reminds me that a few months back, one of the salespeople in my department submitted his expense statement for a Dallas trip that included $30 for a hotel gym fee.

Me: Dude, the company doesn’t reimburse gym fees.

Dan: But I skipped dinner. So the company didn’t have to pay for food — just my visit to the gym.

Me: Based on that logic, I could skip dinner on my next trip and buy an alligator. Would the company reimburse me for an alligator?

Dan: (laughing) You can’t buy an alligator for $30 bucks! Besides, if I don’t spend money on dinner, shouldn’t I be able to spend the money on something else I like better?

Me: What if you like strip clubs better?

Dan: I DO like strip clubs better!

Me: (laughing) But the company won’t reimburse you for strip club admission!

Dan: (laughing) But they should – they really should… (walks away with wistful look)

Then of course, there’s the time I really embarrassed myself with my OWN expense statement blunder!

— Darcy Perdu

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(Should companies just pay a per diem for travel so businesspeople can choose to skip meals and spend the money on something else? Any creative accounting stories to share? IS Shelly starting a meth lab?)

Cherry Popsicle

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff – In Fact, Don’t Sweat

So then…Jennifer Hall of Dancing in the Rain invites me to guest post for her series The View From Here where writers share their “unique perspective on life.”  My immediate thought is, “Holy Cow! Does Jennifer’s website have enough ROOM to print my voluminous LIFE philosophy? I could go on for 47 HOURS on this topic!”

But then I decide to focus on just one of my favorite perspectives that I learned from my parents, so click on over to Dancing in the Rain — and while you’re there, check out some of Jennifer’s awesome posts!

Dancing in the RainShe writes some really funny stuff over there, like:
The Romance is Still Alive
Kids do the Darndest Things
When Procrastination is a Good Thing 

Thanks for inviting me to guest post at your site, Jennifer!  — Darcy