Shut That Sh*t Down!

Shut That Sh*t Down!  The amazingly ANNOYING - yet HILARIOUS - things moms say to teachers!  #funny #teacher #backtoschool #parenting #school #classroom #student #kids #humor

So then…I gratefully grab a seat in a tiny chair in the 1st grade classroom, along with three other Moms who also missed last night’s Back-to-School event. The teacher, Mrs. Tomasino, has graciously agreed to meet with us for a few minutes after school today to fill us in.

I exchange smiles with everyone – and conduct a quick appraisal of the other three Moms. One looks like she had to miss Back-to-School night for kid-care or work reasons, like me – the other two look like they missed it due to a conflict with their Bellydancing Class/Hot Stone Massages. (Judgy much? Why yes, yes I am.)

Mrs. Tomasino welcomes us to the class and holds up a list of items she’d like to quickly review with us.

But every time she tries to impart information, these two mamas interrupt her with questions specific to their kids.

Mom 1: “Are you doing Reading Circle in this class? My kid loves Reading Circle.”
Mom 2: “What kind of field trips are you having? My son really doesn’t like museums.”
Mom 1: “Do you serve cheese at the holiday parties? My kid is lactose-intolerant.”
Mom 2: “I hope there isn’t much homework; my son has lots of sports after school.”

Poor Mrs. Tomasino’s getting flustered.

Mom 3 and I exchange a couple looks.

Mrs. Tomasino starts to share the subjects the kids will cover each day when Mom 1 interrupts to ask:

“When is the Father-Daughter Dance? I think it might conflict with my daughter’s dance recital.”

The teacher looks surprised by this non sequitur and says, “I’m not sure of the date, but it’s months away.”

Mom 1 says, “Yes, but could you go check right now? I’m really thinking it might be the same date.”

So Mrs. Tomasino gets up, goes into the little side room of the class, shuffles through some papers and reports back the date. Mom 1 turns to Mom 2 and says, “Thank God! It’s a different date.”

Mom 2 says, “That’s a relief!”

Mom 3 and I exchange a glance like “What the hell?”

What if it HAD been the same date? Would Mom 1 petition the school to CHANGE THE DATE of the Father-Daughter Dance? I survey Mom 1’s carefully-groomed, well-toned, designer-clad tough-as-nails exterior and think, “Yep, she probably would.”

Meanwhile, I got kids to feed, work to do, and heels to take off, so I’m hoping we can wrap up this little meeting quickly. I’m eager to hear the info that the teacher wants us to know, but Mom 1 and 2 keep interrupting — which makes this meeting 10 times longer than it needs to be.

Then Mrs. Tomasino says, “Also, in 1st grade, we prefer that you don’t bring treats in for your children’s birthdays—”

Mom 1 interrupts to cheerfully say, “Speaking of birthdays, I heard you have three other kids in class who have the same birthday as my daughter! How did you get FOUR kids in your class, all with the same birthday!?

The teacher looks at Mom 1 like she’s an alien.

Mom 3 and I look at Mom 1 like we want to punch her in the tits.

Honestly, the look on the teacher’s face is priceless – like “What the HELL are you talking about? ‘How did I get 4 kids with the same birthday in my class?’ Do you think I PLANNED that? Do you think I REQUESTED that? Who the hell cares about the birthdays? I’m trying to EDUCATE your kids here – I don’t have time to figure out whose birthdays are on the same day!”

By this point, Mrs. Tomasino’s patience is so thin, she just stares back at Mom 1 in dumbstruck awe.

Mom 1 keeps waiting for a response, but none is forthcoming. Her smile falters and she begins to squirm in her seat. She looks to Mom 2 for support. Mom 2 shrugs helplessly.

Mom 1 glances at me and Mom 3. We give her the cold-eyed stare of “You gotta be kidding me.”  The multiple-birthday thing may be an interesting observation to make — but at a different time and place — not here and not now.

Mrs. Tomasino lets out a looooooong, dramatic sigh.

She rustles her paper with the meeting notes.

She stares pointedly at the list, then back up at Mom 1.

She authoritatively addresses the next point on her list, “For supplies, your children will need…”

And Mom 1 and Mom 2 do not say another word for the rest of the meeting.

You go, Mrs. Tomasino, you go!

Being friendly and accommodating is one thing.

But some people will take that inch and drag it into a painful country mile from here to the moon.

So you gotta shut that shit down.

Nicely done, Mrs. T, nicely done.

— Darcy Perdu

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(Have you witnessed other parents interrupting teachers or coaches to ask specific questions about their kids? Any tips how to deal with the time-wasters and me-focusers? How do you teachers out there handle those parents you want to stab with a No. 2 pencil?)

Teacher’s Most Creative Punishment EVER!

Teacher's Most Creative Punishment Ever!  Hilarious Consequence Imposed by the Teacher!  #funny #school #teacher #kids #punishment #humor

So then…I accidentally overhear my daughter and her pals talking about a school incident. Now I don’t mind freely admitting that I frequently and deliberately eavesdrop on my kids – (gots to make sure they’re not cookin’ meth or prank callin’ the Pentagon) – but in this particular case, it really is accidental.

I’m in the pantry, with the door closed, all the better to sneak a snack – but I can’t find the damn Double Stuf Oreos. (And BTdubs, Oreos brand manager, buy another “f” for God’s sake – that “Double Stuf” is just the white trash snack name equivalent of “Brandi with an i.”)

I could’ve sworn I hid them in the crockpot, but they’re not there.

Did I forget where I hid them – or did someone discover them and re-hide them from me? Between my poor memory and my crafty kids, this pantry’s like one big Where’s Waldo? of Sweet Treats.

Just as I’m peeking inside the rice cooker, I hear my daughter and her 8th grade friends tumble into the kitchen outside the pantry door:

Daughter: Did you see how mad Mr. Briggs got in class today?

Friend 1: Oh yes!

Friend 2: Wait, I was with my advisor so I missed class today — but let me guess – was it Danny?

Friend 1: Yes! It’s always Danny!

Friend 2: Danny drives Mr. Briggs crazy! He’s always talking and disrupting the class.

Daughter: Yeah, so you know how the teacher sends him out of the classroom for a few minutes to calm him down?

Friend 2: You mean to calm the teacher down?

They all laugh.

Daughter: Yes! So today, Mr. Briggs sent Danny outside the classroom and told him not to come back inside until he “finds a pregnant ant!”

Friend 2: WHAT!?

Friend 1: Seriously! We all heard it! “Don’t come back until you find a pregnant ant!”

Friend 2: Omigod, that’s hilarious!

Hilarious? That’s GENIUS!

The girls tumble on through the kitchen back up to my daughter’s bedroom.

I find the Oreos behind the pasta boxes and chow down on the tasty treats with a cool glass of milk.

I have a new-found respect for Mr. Briggs.

What a creative consequence for disruptive behavior!

What a daunting challenge to give a rambunctious 13-year-old boy!

So many things to think about:

1) Surely Danny could locate some ants on the blacktop sport court outside the classroom – but how would he know which are pregnant?

2) How could he even determine if the ants are female? (I can barely tell the gender of most pets or lizards, so I’d need a high-powered microscope and a high-res anatomical ant diagram to determine that li’l insect’s sexual category!)

3) Did Danny rush out of the room, shouting “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!”

4) Or did he spend hours hunched over the blacktop picking up ant after ant, looking closely, then placing it back down? “Nope.” “Nope.” “Oh, MAAAAYbe? Aw, nope.”

5) More to the point, what if Danny walked back into class with an ant and CLAIMED that it was pregnant? How could Mr. Briggs disprove it?

(Would they have to wait the average gestational period of an ant to see if indeed it did give birth!? I picture all the students and Mr. Briggs gathered around the lab table, intently staring at the ant waiting for it to pop out baby ant eggs! Perhaps wagers would be placed – DID Danny find a pregnant ant? What’re the odds? Will she give birth before class gets out? Perhaps kids belt out guesses as crumpled dollar bills and candy bars change hands.)

I quickly Google “ant pregnancy,” almost spilling my milk in the process, cheeks still full of Double Stuf(f) goodness.

“Ants go through complete metamorphosis: egg, larva, pupa, adult. However, only the queen ant lays eggs.”

Holy Shizznit! Danny has to find the QUEEN ant!?

“The queen ant stays in the nest. The worker ants walking around are all sterile females.”

Oh for God’s sake, now Danny has to find the NEST where the ONE PREGNANT QUEEN ANT is hiding out, with her feet up, watching “Ellen,” eating Double Stuf(f) Oreos – while her sterile female servants are out doing all the work?

Does Danny know this? Of course not! They probably cover this in Science class, but he’s too busy being thrown out for talking!

I wish I could text Danny this info. This is critical intel for him to have if Mr. Briggs gives him this assignment again!

I’m so worried about Danny, I corner my daughter later and grill her about the situation. She assures me that Danny’s not being picked on, has no issues, and is only sent outside for a few minutes at a time to gain composure and quit goofing off in class. I’m relieved.

(If he’s tasked with this again, I hope Danny’s clever enough to ask all the pregnant teachers on campus, “Do you have nieces or nephews?” If yes, he can grab her by the hand and introduce her to Mr. Briggs as a “pregnant aunt.” He’d surely get points for creativity!)

Meanwhile, I am PRAYING someone is disruptive in our next staff meeting. I CANNOT WAIT to throw out a similar challenge to one of our employees! “Kevin, step outside this moment! And don’t return until you find a pregnant ant!”

or
“Don’t come back until you find a diabetic turtle!”

or
“Don’t return until you find a dyslexic squirrel!”

“Huh? What?”

Oh, the look on his face would be PRICELESS!

— Darcy Perdu

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(What’s the most creative punishment you’ve heard from a teacher, parent, or babysitter? Any clever ones of your own? How would YOU find a pregnant ant?)

How Cool I Am — vs. How Cool My DAUGHTER Thinks I Am

How Cool I Think I Am vs. How Cool MY DAUGHTER Thinks I Am!  and HERE'S Why!  YOU tell me who's right! #funny #moms #daughters #cool #popular #humor

So then…my grinning tween daughter Chloe says, “Oh, Mom, you’re so aDORable!” (a bit patronizingly, if you ask me)

“What? I am not!” I say. “I’m a ‘hip, cool, with it’ Mom!”

She laughs. “Mom, the very fact that you used those terms means you are anything but those things.”

Lately I feel my tween daughter finds me…archaic.

When I ask her to take a sweater, she rolls her eyes indulgently and smiles, shoving a sweater in her backpack, leaving me with the distinct feeling that it’s merely a pacifying gesture.

When I ask her to call her friend to arrange carpool pickup time, she grins, shakes her head at this old-fashioned notion of “calling,” and fires off a quick text.

When I get excited that she wants to borrow something from my youth that she found buried in my closet, I then realize the outfit I once wore so earnestly is the same outfit she’s planning to wear “ironically!”

When I promote good manners by advising her, “Never say anything that you’d be embarrassed for everyone to see on the front page of the newspaper,” she looks at me blankly – then nods kindly and says, “Oh, you mean don’t say anything you wouldn’t want to pop up on everyone’s Instagram account?”

When we goof around, I often hit her in the face with a pillow and yell “Make-Up!” She always giggles, but recently asked, “By the way, why do you always say that?” She had no idea that’s what old-time movie directors yelled when they wanted the make-up crew to powder puff the actors’ faces! When I try to explain, she nods soothingly, like “There, there, dear, it’s all right for you to reminisce about the good old days.”

Honestly, she makes me feel positively quaint!

But I’m not sitting here in white gloves and a pillbox hat!

I’m not rocking in a chair covered in a quilt I crocheted myself with the help of seven cats!

I don’t even wear Mom jeans!

Why does she think I’m a sweet old relic?

Maybe I’ll ask her when we go out today.

“Omigod, Mom! Are you wearing a fanny pack?” she asks.

“No, no!” I sputter. “It’s a little fabric pouch for your money that you clip to your belt loop!” I display it proudly. “It’s called a ‘Hip Clip!’

“Oh, Mom,” she says, looping her arm through mine. “You are aDORable!”

— Darcy Perdu

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(Anyone else have a kid making them feel like a relic? What do your kids tease YOU about? But a Hip Clip IS cool, right? Right? Hello?)

How Cool I Am vs How Cool My TWEEN Thinks I Am

My Teen’s Irrationally Funny Reason Why Matt Damon Bugs Her

Matt Damon Bugs Me 433 x 290
So then…I ask my teen daughter Chloe if she heard that one of her favorite actors proposed to his costar. Chloe says, “WHAT?! How did I not know that? Am I pooping in the wrong places?”

Did she ask me that because:
a) She always answers celeb questions with poop-related non sequiturs
or
b) She typically gleans her celeb news from the “academic journals” (People Magazine and Entertainment Weekly) that are strewn about the various bathrooms in the house – and must have missed that issue

Ding Ding Ding! We have a winner!

Believe me, we regularly discuss deep philosophical issues and topics of global import (cough cough) – but typically our conversations are more like this one from tonight:

Chloe, my 14-year old daughter, and I lie down before bedtime, chatting about our day.

Darcy: Oh! Can I tell you something about Matt Damon?

Chloe: Matt Damon bugs me.

Darcy: *

Chloe: What? He really bugs me!

Darcy: *

Chloe: Oh, OK, tell me about Matt Damon.

Darcy (indignant): I can’t believe you would say that about Matt Damon. I love him. First of all, he won an Oscar for co-writing Best Screenplay, so he’s smart and talented. He’s built an impressive acting career without landing in the tabloids as a drunken addict womanizer. And he could have had his pick of ANY hot babe, but he married a single working mom AND adopted her kid AND had a bunch more kids with her. AND he’s made funny videos with Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman. AND HE’S A HUMANITARIAN!

Chloe (sufficiently cowed): OK! OK! So tell me what you were gonna say about Matt Damon.

Darcy: OK, what I wanted to say (huffs loudly) was that I saw an interview with him today where he talked about building water treatment systems in third world countries. The new system in this village meant that the kids no longer had to walk miles and miles to collect water for their families. So he asked this 12-year-old girl what she would do with the 3 hours per day she USED to spend collecting water – would she spend it studying? And the girl laughed and said, “No, I’m already the smartest kid in my class.” Matt Damon smiled and said that he could tell by the way she said it, that she really WAS the smartest kid in the class. He asked her, “So what will you do with the extra 3 hours per day?” And she said, “I will play.” Isn’t that AMAZING?

Chloe: Wow, that’s cool.

Darcy: Exactly! We’re so blessed we can just turn a faucet and have all the water we want. And here these kids were spending 3 hours a day just collecting water!

Chloe (thoughtful): We’re really lucky.

Darcy: We truly are fortunate. We should really be grateful for all we have.

We ponder in silence for a moment.

Chloe: Matt Damon still bugs me though.

Darcy: OH MY GOD! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM WITH MATT DAMON?

Chloe: He looks like Leonardo DiCaprio.

Darcy: But you love DiCaprio!

Chloe: Exactly. So sometimes I’ll see a movie trailer, like Monuments Men, and I’ll get all excited, thinking Leonardo’s in the movie and then I look again and see that it’s just Matt Damon.

Darcy: OH MY GOD! So the chief crime of Matt Damon, esteemed actor and humanitarian — is that he LOOKS LIKE LEONARDO DICAPRIO?

Chloe: Yes.

Darcy: *

Chloe: What?

Darcy: I am going to drown you in a village water treatment system.

(OK, I didn’t say that last line, but the rest of that conversation literally just happened.)

Honestly! I’m trying to teach that child about gratitude for all our blessings — and she’s fixated on Matt Damon’s apparently deliberately deceptive impersonation of Leonardo DiCaprio!

Sigh.

I am hiding ALL the “academic journals” from ALL the pooping places.

— Darcy Perdu

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Consider joining me in donating to awesome Matt Damon’s non-profit organization Water.com HERE.

(How do YOU feel about Matt Damon? Which celebs bug YOU?  Any teenagers who miss the point of your brilliant observations and meaningful lessons because they’re too distracted being…TEENAGERS?)

Matt Damon Bugs Me 2 436 x 295

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Overheard in the Oscars Loser Lounge

28 Oscar Pics 43627 Scroll Down 43627 Scroll Down 43627 Scroll Down 43627 Scroll Down 43627 Scroll Down 43627 Scroll Down 43629 Ta-Dum 43629 Ta-Dum 4361 Overheard at Oscars 82 Darcy 83 Actress 84 Actress Sandra Bullock 85 Actress Judi Dench 86 Actress Amy Adams A 87 Actress Amy Adams B 88 Actress Amy Adams C 89 Actress Cate Blanchett 810 Actress Meryl Streep 811 Actor 812 Actor Leo Dicaprio A 813 Actor Leo DiCaprio B 814 Actor Leo DiCaprio C 815 Actor Leo DiCaprio D 816 Actor Leo DiCaprio E 817 Actor Bruce Dern 818 Pizza - Stoli 819 Supporting Actor 820 Supp Actor Jonah Hill 821 Supp Actor Barkhad A 822 Supp Actor Barkhad B 823 Supp Actor Barkhad C 824 Supp Actor Barkhad D 825 Supp Actress 826 Supp Actress June Squibb 8

If you enjoyed what I “overheard” in the Oscar Loser Lounge, then you’ll definitely like:
YIKES! Just Found a “Weed” in My Lady Garden!YIKES!  Just Found A Weed Dame Edna 215 x
Telling His Teacher A Big Fat Juicy LieTelling His Teacher a Big Fat Juicy LIE (Mary 9.8.13) 215
Boobalicious and HILARIOUS!Painted Boobs 1 Ladies Budweiser 215 x
The ONE Thing Disneyland Insists You Do NOT Bring To Their ParkThe ONE Thing Disneyland 215
— Darcy Perdu      (SoThenStories.com)

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(What else do you think the Oscar “Losers” were spouting after the Academy Awards? Did your favorites win? Who wore the best gown — and the best aftermarket face parts?)