Family Dinner Fiasco: Comedy AND Tragedy in 3 Short Funny Acts

So then…I’m literally so excited about this lasagna I’m making, I text a photo to show the family how amazing dinner’s going to be!

Just as I slide my HOMEMADE lasagna out, it shatters in a million pieces and triggers a family fiasco! #funny #dinner #lasagna #humor

LOOK! Warm and delicious homemade food! Yahoo!

Everyone has a generous helping and agrees it’s scrumptious — and I’m even more excited that we’ll have leftovers for the next night! Double Yahoo! No cooking! Just heating up! I’m a fabulous heater-upper!

So the next night, I’m in my home office when my daughter Chloe, age 15, texts me from the dining room to ask, “Will you please rub my back while I’m doing homework?”

Now before you accuse me of potentially spoiling my daughter, I can assure you, she’s ALREADY spoiled! That train left the station a long time ago, my friends. As I’ve mentioned, I’d be a much better mother if I had 6 kids like my pal, but I only have 2, so I spoil them 3 times as much.

Besides, Chloe may be a bit spoiled, but she’s also pretty awesome, loving, funny, smart, and helpful.

And she handles her academic career completely on her own – and makes A’s – so if you give me a choice between actually helping her DO the Chemistry homework vs. just rubbing her back a few minutes while SHE does the Chemistry homework – I think you can guess what this mama’d rather do.

So I text “Sure,” then walk through the kitchen, figuring I’ll take the luscious lasagna out of the fridge on my way to the dining room.

But just as I pull the tray out, it pings the side of the fridge, DROPS

and SHATTERS INTO A MILLION PIECES –

ONTO MY BELOVED WOOD FLOOR!

Just as I slide my HOMEMADE lasagna out, it shatters in a million pieces and triggers a family fiasco! #funny #dinner #lasagna #humor

I’m devastated!

I don’t know what’s more distressing:

The loss of our delicious home-cooked meal -
The loss of my favorite glass serving dish -
The marks on my cherished wood floor -
Or
The fact I now have to SWEEP.

I glance desperately at the lasagna on the ground. 5 second rule? Can I just scoop it up quickly? “Hey, family, just eat around the glass shards!”

I huff and puff, stomping off to retrieve the broom and dustpan – colorful profanities spewing in my wake.

Just as I round the corner back into the kitchen — I hear a click, a giggle, and the tiny pitter-patter of footsteps fleeing the scene.

“CHLOE! Did you just take a PICTURE of my floor lasagna!?!?!”

From the other room: *Giggle* “No, Mom, what’re you talking about?”

“CHLOE! Are you texting and Tweeting and Instagramming this!?!”

From the other room: *Snort Giggle* “No! Of course not!”

“OMIGOD, CHLOE, THIS IS NOT FUNNY!”

From the other room: *Muffled laughter* “I know, I know. Do you need any *laugh* help?”

“NO! Just stay there. You’ll just cut up your feet and then I’ll have to take you to the hospital!” I say, in my Angry Martyr voice. Far better for me to clean this up myself — and make everyone else feel guilty about it.

Of course, I DO see the humor in it, so naturally, I snap a pic and post it on Facebook to generate some sympathy. Several people post compassionate words and similar mishaps — and my cyber-buddy Don Re posts, “The lasagna looks a bit dry anyway. Is that helpful?” And perversely enough, that DOES make me feel better.

But now I have nothing to serve for dinner and I want someone to deliver some GOTT-DAMN homemade lasagna to my front door!

Just then I get a text from Chloe saying, “Um…about that back rub…?”

I text back, “Too soon! Give me a minute to mourn, for God’s sake!”

So she texts me this:

Just as I slide my HOMEMADE lasagna out, it shatters in a million pieces and triggers a family fiasco! #funny #dinner #card #humor

What a wise ass.

I head to the kitchen and holler, “I don’t have time for backrubs! Now I have to MAKE DINNER!”

We don’t have much in the way of ingredients, so I whip this together:

Just as I slide my HOMEMADE lasagna out, it shatters in a million pieces and triggers a family fiasco! #funny #dinner #Elvis #humor

Inspired Brilliance – or a Cry for Help?

(I actually ate this the other day and IT.WAS.DEEE-LICIOUS.)

I’m definitely making these for my Dinner with Elvis in the After Life. I’ll be like, “Look, El, peanut butter and banana sandwiches are so 1969. The kids today are rockin’ it with Candy Corn.” I know he’ll dig it.

Meanwhile, the mere mortals down here are none too impressed.

So I stuff some ham and cheese in those little crescent rolls and call it a day.

Just as I slide my HOMEMADE lasagna out, it shatters in a million pieces and triggers a family fiasco! #funny #dinner #rolls #humor

As for Mama — this is MY dinner:

Just as I slide my HOMEMADE lasagna out, it shatters in a million pieces and triggers a family fiasco! #funny #dinner #icecream #humor

And well-deserved, if I do say so myself.

– Darcy Perdu
(She of many skills, but much maligned for her comical cooking incompetence.)

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(Any kitchen mishaps to make me feel better about mine? What else pairs nicely with peanut butter? What dishes will you cook with YOUR fave celebs & historical figures in the After Life?)

Just as I slide my HOMEMADE lasagna out, it shatters in a million pieces and triggers a family fiasco! #funny #dinner #comedy #tragedy #humor

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20 replies on “Family Dinner Fiasco: Comedy AND Tragedy in 3 Short Funny Acts

  1. Ugh. I’m so sorry for your devastating dinner incident! I think I would have curled in a ball and cried. I’ve done something similar with pizza, where the whole thing flipped a couple of times and skidded, cheese side down, across the kitchen floor.
    Gina recently posted..When We Left the NICUMy Profile

    • Ahhhhggg! Cheese side DOWN? I’m shuddering at the very THOUGHT of that!

    • Oucheeewawa! That would’ve been grounds for pulling out the whiskey!

  2. Paul said:

    Awwww, don’t you hate it when that happens? I only give myself one mistake and then I give up and order out. It kind of softens the blow and I use the mistake to justfy feeling good about store-bought lasagna or pizza or whatever. Some days I just hope to drop the leftovers. But no such luck.

    By the way Darcy, I see you found an inventive solution to an old problem you mentioned once. In a past post you said that the oreo cookie bag made so much noise that it was impossble for you to sneak an oreo. Brilliant solution – Oreo flavored ice cream!

    • Ha! Good memory, Paul! I’m always looking for more efficient Oreo-delivery-systems!

  3. I am sorry for your loss. It’s such a sad moment when the meal you’re looking forward to spending your dinner with is tragically lost.

    Peanut butter and candy corn go together quite wonderfully. As for other PB combinations, my hubby has concocted the most disgusting meal. He makes a PB and Banana sandwich on toast, with a fried egg and cheese… I can’t even be near him when he eats it. Gag!

    • Your husband is either a culinary genius — or in need of immediate psychiatric help!
      :)

  4. Julie said:

    HAHA! Oh my gawd. We are not eating tonight. Unless it is Breyers. Although your ham and cheese crescent rolls look good too. Your lasagna looks deeeelightful!! Oh. It is almost lunchtime, and I am hungry today!

  5. Alex said:

    I outsource cooking to my husband – perfect solution. And the best thing with peanut butter is choc chips, duh! ;-)

    • Oh man! You’re RIGHT! I need to make a peanut butter and chocolate chip sandwich right now!!

  6. Judy P said:

    Yeah, unfortunately glass shards negate the 5-second rule. I hate dinner disasters because them you are expected to magically whip out something else instead. At least the cats always offer to help with cleanup.

    • Exactly! Who can magically whip something up so quickly?
      Plan B at my house is usually Domino’s Pizza! (Aw hell, sometimes it’s even Plan A!)

  7. Tais said:

    Love the rolls. And the ice cream!!! Oh gosh, making me more hungry than I already was. Dinner today is going to be mac’n’cheese ’cause see if I want to do anything else before going to college. HA!

    • You know what goes great with mac’n’cheese? Ice creeeeeeeeeam! :o)

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Darcy Perdu shares her escapades, encounters, and blunders – and invites you to do the same!

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