Elf on the Shelf Narcs on MOM!

Ellington, Elf on the Shelf, turns his tattle-tale focus on MOM this Christmas -- and you won't BELIEVE what he's tellin' Santa!  #funny #sexy #Christmas @SoThenStories

So then…I wake up at 3 am to the sound of click-clacking. I pop downstairs, peer round the corner, and see two tiny red felt feet scurry out of sight. My laptop screen is glowing, so I cross the room, lean in…and what to my wondering eyes should appear – but EMAILS from Ellington, our Elf on the Shelf, to SANTA!

Hey Santa,
Ellington the Elf here, reporting from the Perdu household! My vertigo’s still acting up, so rather than fly back and forth to the North Pole, I’ll just email you my reports!

Day 1
So excited to meet my new family, Darcy (Mom) and David (Dad) and their darling kids, Tucker, age 8, and Chloe, age 5. I’ll be on the lookout for any naughty or nice behavior to report back to you!

Day 2
Look, Santa, I don’t want to tell you your business, but the naughty ones in this house are NOT the kids. Oh sure, they bicker and whine a bit, with the occasional fib – but the one I REALLY need to keep an eye on is the Mom!

When she made breakfast this morning, the Dad asked, “Are these real eggs and bacon?” “Of course,” she replied. Nope. Egg Beaters and Turkey Bacon. He asked for regular coffee and she snuck in Decaf. For dinner, she assured the kids she served “real” hamburgers. Nope. Veggie Burgers. So she’s a liar. Maybe for a good cause – but still – a liar.

Day 3
When the class mom called for volunteers to collate papers at school today, Darcy, the Mom, said she couldn’t because she had a “doctor’s appointment.”

Then she watched the Dr. Oz show on the DVR. That is NOT an appointment.

Day 4
She straight up lied to the kids today on the way home from school. There’s no way Chuck E Cheese, Toys R Us, AND Game Stop are ALL closed for renovations.

Plus she gossiped at great length with her friend about Mrs. Kobar, one of Chloe’s teachers who’s allegedly very short-tempered and cancels recess when the kids are rowdy.

Day 5
While watching TV tonight she passed gas with such a foul stench, I had to gasp for air. She blamed the dog.

They do not even HAVE a dog.

Day 6
She tells the kids never to swear, but when she was alone on the freeway today, she let loose a string of expletives that would make a sailor blush. Honestly, Santa, I cannot even TYPE them for fear my hands will go straight to hell. Omigod, now she has ME swearing! She’s corrupting me, Santa!

Day 7
The Mom does do lots of nice stuff with the kids. She helps with homework, makes crafts with them, and plays silly games.

But tonight when she was baking cookies with Chloe for teacher gifts, I noticed she set aside all the misshapen, over-cooked ones for Mrs. Kobar.

Day 8
She’s not terribly organized. Before bedtime tonight, when Chloe suggested pulling out her old 1,001 Deluxe Bead Craft Kit and Tucker requested his 99 Paints & Goop Set, the Mom said she couldn’t find them in the toy closet. I suspect foul play.

Day 9
The neighborhood association called today for volunteers to deliver ballots door-to-door, but she said she had a “doctor’s appointment.”

Yep, you guessed – Dr. Phil on DVR. And the irony? The episode was “Nasty Neighbors” about residents who sue, sully, or sex each other up! It was scandalous and provocative! Honestly, after the third time, I could hardly watch it anymore.

Day 10
While rummaging in the closet for wrapping paper, she found the fancy toiletry bag-shaving kit she bought her husband last Christmas. It had never been used! She uttered some profanity and was about to bring it downstairs to confront him – but then she smiled, dusted it off, and wrapped it to give him THIS year!

Day 11
A new low. She stole quarters from Tucker’s piggy bank for the parking meter in front of the manicure place.

(And that polish is too pink for her skin tone. I’m just saying.)

Day 12
Possible redemption? She donated 3 bags of items to Goodwill today!

But guess what’s in the first bag? Yep! Chloe’s 1,001 Bead Craft Kit and Tucker’s 99 Paints & Goop Set!

Day 13
When her husband asked about his DVR recordings, she innocently said, “Oh, I don’t know how your golf tournaments got deleted.”

I know how, Santa. And I know WHO. Her head’s tilting accusingly toward the kids, but we all know who’s deleting shows to make room for Scandal and Outlander!

Day 14
She told a telemarketer she couldn’t talk on the phone because she had to go walk the dog. Still no dog, Santa.  NO DOG.

She works from home so she has lots of conference calls. The other people on the line think she’s studying the spreadsheets when she’s saying “yes, good point” and “mm-hmm” but she’s really reading Facebook updates!

Day 15
When her family mentioned they’re running out of clean clothes, she said she’d planned to do laundry last night but got sidetracked by other “important things.” I’m no detective, Santa, but that empty bottle of red wine might be a clue.

Day 16
Whenever her husband asks what she wants for Christmas, she smiles and says she has everything she needs: a loving family and a lovely home; she just wants everyone to have a happy, healthy holiday. But then she turns up the volume on all the jewelry commercials – and leaves catalogs lying around, open to pages showing beautiful tennis bracelets. She does not even PLAY tennis, Santa!

Day 17
When Tucker yelled downstairs that he’d accidentally knocked over all his Legos for the 4th time today, she hid in the pantry eating Oreos until her husband went up to clean up the mess. She was giggling, Santa. GIGGLING!

Day 18
Her friend tried to make her join her for a Zumba class, but she said she had a “doctor’s appointment.”

She watched GREY’S ANATOMY on NETFLIX. Oh come on! She’s not even trying anymore. Those aren’t even REAL doctors! Have you no shame, woman?

Day 19
Darcy called the relatives today about Christmas Eve dinner at her house. She “confided” in Aunt Bernice that Darcy’s sister Della really doesn’t care for Aunt Bernice’s jello fruit salad and could she please bring Brown Sugar Sweet Potatoes instead.

Then she “confided” in Auntie Fran that Della made some uncomplimentary remarks about Auntie Fran’s zucchini bread loaf, so could she please bring Brown Sugar Sweet Potatoes instead. Della said no such things!

Day 20
The kids rarely fight, but tonight I think the Mom and Dad got into a huge fight after drinking some after-dinner wine! They went right to their bedroom and locked the door – played music to cover the sounds, I guess, but I could hear them wrestling and moaning and exclaiming, “Oh God, Oh God!” I think they even knocked over a lamp!

Day 21
The gift she brought for today’s Book Club Secret Santa exchange looks suspiciously like the one she received at last week’s Neighborhood Secret Santa exchange! Regifting alert!

Day 22
When the kids asked for dessert, she swore there was no ice cream left. As soon as the kids were asleep, she opened a bag of frozen peas that concealed a pint of Ben & Jerry’s!

Day 23
She sang lots of Christmas Carols with the kids while seeing the lights on Candy Cane Lane tonight. But after 9 renditions of “Let It Go,” she claimed she couldn’t remember the words anymore. How does THAT happen?

Day 24
About 18 relatives came to Christmas Eve dinner at the Perdu house. I’m actually impressed — she’s been cooking all day; the house is decorated; the gifts are wrapped.

Aunt Bernice and Auntie Fran gave a bewildered Della the stink eye. Darcy just smiled sweetly and shoveled in some more Brown Sugar Sweet Potatoes.

At the Christmas Eve dinner, she loudly let one rip and exclaimed, “Tucker!” Tucker protested his innocence while the adults shook their heads and the kids giggled. Tucker laughed too — but Santa, you and I both know who’s passin’ Brown-Sugar-scented gas tonight!

After dinner when it was time for clean-up, she told her husband she had “digestion difficulties” and was going to use the upstairs bathroom for privacy.

But while the relatives were cleaning the kitchen downstairs, she went upstairs to her bedroom instead! She locked the door, pulled out some book about colors – something about shades of grey? – and reached for some kind of strange magic wand — and you’re NOT gonna BELIEVE where she PUT the–

OH NO, she saw me! I’ve got to skedaddle lickety-split. More later, Santa!

–Ellington the Elf

I narrow my eyes. That little son-of-a…

With arched brow, and malice on my mind, I coaxingly call out, “Oh, Ellington? Little Elfie, where are youuu?”

–Darcy Perdu

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All posts on So Then Stories are true, with only the names changed – except THIS post which is completely fiction. I mean, come on, y’all – you know I never pass wind! Ne-vah!

(If Elf on the Shelf reports YOUR naughty behavior to Santa, what would the report say?)

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52 replies on “Elf on the Shelf Narcs on MOM!

  1. I’ll just say it. You’re going to have to have Ellington rubbed out. Sleeping with the fishes. Congressionally investigated.

    I can recommend a good hit-rottweiler to do the job.
    William Kendall recently posted..Old Time ToolsMy Profile

    • Right? As soon as I get my hands on that li’l snitch, I’m gonna wreak havoc!

    • Ha! Thanks! And with a name like “Bad Sandy,” you’d best watch out for any li’l snitches yourself!

    • OK, seriously, THAT part of the story IS true. The ice cream pints bulge too much in frozen food boxes, so really, frozen veggie bags is the way to go. And if my kids are rummaging for snacks, they’re most likely in the pantry — they wouldn’t even THINK about giving the frozen peas or carrots a glance! And yes, I AM a genius! Thank goodness you recognize that about me!! :)

    • Ha! “Sweet tea on the computer screen!” Love it! And yes, that Elf’s a dirty rat bastard!

    • Who ate the last Oreos? The dog.
      Who deleted my shows on the DVR? The dog.
      Global warming? The dog.
      It’s ALWAYS the dog’s fault!

  2. I am wise to that Elf and he is not allowed in my house ever! Not suggesting he falls into the Goodwill bag but……
    Haralee recently posted..Spam-aClausMy Profile

  3. Man oh man. I knew those elves could be sneaky little bastards but narcing on mom? That’s just wrong!

    I have to say though, his report is hysterical, especially that brown-sugar scented gas and the part about the uhhh, magic wand. Too effing funny!
    Kim recently posted..The Night the Bathroom Looked Like a Crime SceneMy Profile

  4. Three years ago we were in the middle of a big renovation – we’re talking washer and dryer in the middle of the family room and floors ripped up over the entire house and no kitchen 2 days before christmas type reno- and I found a note my daughter had written to Santa and given to our elf asking him to please not put her mommy on the naughty list because she had been under a lot of pressure and was a little cranky. YIKES!

    • Bwahaha! That’s hilarious! I’d be hella-cranky too! But how cool that your daughter’s got your back, mama! She was lookin’ out for you with the big guy!

  5. Laurie said:

    My kids are in their 20’s. Elf on a Shelf wasn’t around when they were young, but they both said they are glad it wasn’t, because they would have been too creeped out thinking it was watching them all the time.

    • Right? The whole concept is a little stalker-y!

    • Thanks, Tricia! That Elf’s going to meet an untimely demise!

  6. Julie said:

    Perhaps your helpful little elf should give you a hand around the house?? I suggest he start with cleaning the toilets.

    • Cleaning? I’m gonna clean his mouth out with soap if he rats me out to Santa!

      • Julie said:

        If he “cleans” your toilets the way I imagined him doing, he wouldn’t be telling much to Santa…. Just sayin….

        • Ahhhh, now I get you! YES! This is a GREAT idea!

  7. Soooooooo very funny! And you know they say that truth is funnier than fiction. Just sayin’.

    • Hmm, there might be a bit of truth in there…ha!

  8. Bill Mesker said:

    Hey Darce if you need a hitman I’m your guy… I’ll let you in on a little secret.. I’m Italian.. and I know where all the good body hiding spots are. That little bastard is gonna be sleeping in concrete when I’m through with him haha… funny as hell as usual. Love it.

    • Perfect. Meet me in the dining room at midnight. Bring zip ties and a gag — he’s a mouthy little bugger!

      • Bill Mesker said:

        Sounds like a plan! I’ll be right over. That elf will never know what hit him!

  9. Alex said:

    I am deliriously happy we don’t have those Elves on the Shelf buggers here …. yet (probably). I’d never heard of them until this year. I am not planning on inviting one and if one turns up, they’ll be Returned to Sender pretty darn smart quick. Just sayin’.

  10. No dog Santa, NO DOG! Love that – and yes I blame ours all the time. Isn’t that why you have dogs and kids?

  11. Sounds like Ellington has been peering in my windows at night, too! This sounds all too familiar to me, hahaha! I see we share the same vices—especially with being fans of Grey’s Anatomy. LOVE that show!

  12. Fantastic! Had me laughing heartily all the way through. If you can get rid of the elf, maybe Santa will bring you a new magic wand? …

  13. Amy said:

    OMG – hilarious! I love the ice cream in peas bit…gonna have to remember that one when my kids get older!

    • Ha! As they get older, you have to get craftier. They’ll find out you wily ways soon enough — you have to keep a step ahead of the little buggers! :)

  14. AinOakPark said:

    TOO FUNNY!

    We never had the Elf because he looks like something that might come to life in a bad horror movie.

    That being said, I COMPLETELY understand why you coordinated double brown sugar sweet potatoes (my recipe actually says “This is really a dessert disguised as a side dish” – and mine has pecans, as well. Score!

    And I loved #20.

    Happy happy to you and yours.

    • PECANS in the brown sugar sweet potatoes? My head just exploded! YES PLEASE! That sounds awesome!!!

    • Ha! Yes, spot checks are ok — as long as I’ve been given 24 hours’ notice!

  15. Connie Conehead said:

    This just might be my favorite So Then…Story yet! Merry Christmas, Darcy!

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